I was going to post something I wrote while on the drive to and from the Hippy Dip a week ago.
However, it doesn’t reflect my current emotional state. I didn’t plan on writing this but now here it is.
I’m having a really bad week.
1. My mother who disowned me and my children has reappeared in my life. She’s disowned me many times, so many that it really shouldn’t hurt any more but it still does.
Like every other time she she has resurfaced under the guise of some kind of news, hoping to pick up where we left off without ever talking about the deep wounds that we continue to inflict upon each other.
She wounds me by telling me I’m a terrible person, I wound her by setting boundaries to protect myself, which looks like rejection to her.
Couple that with me having to explain to my children that their grandmother never wants to see them again not because she hates them but because she hates me. She hates me so much that she doesn’t want anything to do with anyone related to me.
Why? Because I grew up and moved out of the house.
Now she wants back in my life after over a year of complete silence (no acknowledgment of them at birthdays or holidays) because she’s lonely and we’re all she’s got left.
But the thing is, I’m just not willing to have that conversation with my kids again. Ever. Nor am I willing to have them get involved in any way with this destructive cycle of pain. How do you explain this kind of damage to a child?
Given that this has been our pattern since I hit the age 12, I don’t think it’s going to change yet I am conflicted.
I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I don’t want to live with regret, especially not when it comes to family but I can’t do it again. I can’t.
I haven’t answered her yet, I’m waiting to have a conversation with a therapist before I do anything but it’s on my mind. I walked around yesterday with my heart in my throat, so close to feeling like I couldn’t breath and I might just have a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the grocery store.
This is so bad for me and I can only imagine the pain she is in, which makes me feel worse.
So that happened.
2. I had a very small run-in with a woman in the parking lot. I backed into her car as she waited for a space to clear. No damage was done but she was so angry and hostile, even as I tried to be as friendly and cooperative as possible.
She acknowledged that there wasn’t any damage but was bristling over the fact that I said, “Oops! I didn’t see you and you didn’t see me.” (in a very light voice). My bad, I assumed something about the situation but given that I had exactly 5 seconds to think, it was the first thing out of my mouth.
I wasn’t trying to accuse her of anything and since no damage was done, what’s the difference?
She dressed me down for implying that it was in any way her fault. To this I apologized for misspeaking, for making an assumption, for casting an aspersion, for existing. I begged her to forgive me. I would have peed all over myself if that would have helped.
Her companion (likely her daughter) looked sympathetic to me and I know intellectually that she’s the kind of person who wants to be angry. I probably made her day but I felt like I did that day when I almost stepped on a rattle snake. I felt like I needed to get out of my car and just jump around and yelp and yell, just to dissipate all the fear and anxiety.
I’ve always taken responsibility for other people’s feelings. I know it’s stupid but it’s true.
It’s why I like to watch movies alone (what if they don’t like it?), listen to comedy on headphones (what if I laugh at something un-PC that makes me look like a bad person?), go to concerts alone (what if my companion is bored and blames me for making them waste money on a ticket?) and anything where I could be perceived as the cause of someone else’s unhappiness.
So to think that this total stranger thinks I was trying to blame her (and I wasn’t, please believe me) and that I’m the kind of person who blames other people (I try not to be) wounds me to the core.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to make everyone happy, trying to not say the wrong thing, trying not to fuck everything up.
I know it’s stupid but that’s what I for get growing up with a parent who groomed me to be her emotional support above anything else, and then to be cast out when I had a life to live.
I have issues, to say the least.
I’m emotional right now because of my mom and that mean lady and now Loony is out of town and I can’t reach him at all.
I’m just crying. A lot.
And now I’ve started again. So I’m going to post this shit and hope that a girlfriend will come over and let me cry all over her boobies because barring Loony being here to give me a big hug and get angry for me, it’s the next best thing.