Please Come Over And Let Me Cry In Your Boobies


I was going to post something I wrote while on the drive to and from the Hippy Dip a week ago.

However, it doesn’t reflect my current emotional state. I didn’t plan on writing this but now here it is.

I’m having a really bad week.

1. My mother who disowned me and my children has reappeared in my life. She’s disowned me many times, so many that it really shouldn’t hurt any more but it still does.

Like every other time she she has resurfaced under the guise of some kind of news, hoping to pick up where we left off without ever talking about the deep wounds that we continue to inflict upon each other.

She wounds me by telling me I’m a terrible person, I wound her by setting boundaries to protect myself, which looks like rejection to her.

Couple that with me having to explain to my children that their grandmother never wants to see them again not because she hates them but because she hates me. She hates me so much that she doesn’t want anything to do with anyone related to me.

Why? Because I grew up and moved out of the house.

Now she wants back in my life after over a year of complete silence (no acknowledgment of them at birthdays or holidays) because she’s lonely and we’re all she’s got left.

But the thing is, I’m just not willing to have that conversation with my kids again. Ever. Nor am I willing to have them get involved in any way with this destructive cycle of pain. How do you explain this kind of damage to a child?

Given that this has been our pattern since I hit the age 12, I don’t think it’s going to change yet I am conflicted.

I want to do the right thing. I want to be a good person. I don’t want to live with regret, especially not when it comes to family but I can’t do it again. I can’t.

I haven’t answered her yet, I’m waiting to have a conversation with a therapist before I do anything but it’s on my mind. I walked around yesterday with my heart in my throat, so close to feeling like I couldn’t breath and I might just have a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the grocery store.

This is so bad for me and I can only imagine the pain she is in, which makes me feel worse.

So that happened.

2. I had a very small run-in with a woman in the parking lot. I backed into her car as she waited for a space to clear. No damage was done but she was so angry and hostile, even as I tried to be as friendly and cooperative as possible.

She acknowledged that there wasn’t any damage but was bristling over the fact that I said, “Oops! I didn’t see you and you didn’t see me.” (in a very light voice). My bad, I assumed something about the situation but given that I had exactly 5 seconds to think, it was the first thing out of my mouth.

I wasn’t trying to accuse her of anything and since no damage was done, what’s the difference?

She dressed me down for implying that it was in any way her fault. To this I apologized for misspeaking, for making an assumption, for casting an aspersion, for existing. I begged her to forgive me. I would have peed all over myself if that would have helped.

Her companion (likely her daughter) looked sympathetic to me and I know intellectually that she’s the kind of person who wants to be angry. I probably made her day but I felt like I did that day when I almost stepped on a rattle snake. I felt like I needed to get out of my car and just jump around and yelp and yell, just to dissipate all the fear and anxiety.

I’ve always taken responsibility for other people’s feelings. I know it’s stupid but it’s true.

It’s why I like to watch movies alone (what if they don’t like it?), listen to comedy on headphones (what if I laugh at something un-PC that makes me look like a bad person?), go to concerts alone (what if my companion is bored and blames me for making them waste money on a ticket?) and anything where I could be perceived as the cause of someone else’s unhappiness.

So to think that this total stranger thinks I was trying to blame her (and I wasn’t, please believe me) and that I’m the kind of person who blames other people (I try not to be) wounds me to the core.

I’ve spent my entire life trying to make everyone happy, trying to not say the wrong thing, trying not to fuck everything up.

I know it’s stupid but that’s what I for get growing up with a parent who groomed me to be her emotional support above anything else, and then to be cast out when I had a life to live.

I have issues, to say the least.

I’m emotional right now because of my mom and that mean lady and now Loony is out of town and I can’t reach him at all.

I’m just crying. A lot.

And now I’ve started again. So I’m going to post this shit and hope that a girlfriend will come over and let me cry all over her boobies because barring Loony being here to give me a big hug and get angry for me, it’s the next best thing.

crying-gets-boobs-636

 

 

15 thoughts on “Please Come Over And Let Me Cry In Your Boobies

  1. Viv if I wasn’t working you could totally cry in my boobies right now. I am on the verge of panic attacks too they had to put me on meds because I was on the verge of a break down so I feel your pain.

    As for your mean ol’ momma I always say blood doesn’t mean anything you have to deserve to be called family in my book. If someone causes you more grief and pain than anything else I say boundaries are probably a good thing.

    • Just thinking about your boobies makes me feel better. I am sorry you are feeling panicky too, it’s horrible, isn’t it? You just stop being able to breath. It sucks. But you are working which is amazing! I’m so glad you are recovering so well.

  2. I hope by the time that I write this that you have already had many people that love you stop by and give you a hug. When determining whether or not to do something major I try and think about what is the worst case scenario. I am not sure the purpose of reconnecting with your mom…..Of course it has to be very complicated. But why put your children through what you have been going through since you were 12yrs old? There are so many people in you life that love you for who you are that I am not sure why you want to take the chance of putting yourself and your family, through that (sounds abusive)cycle again. 🙂

    • Sometimes I think that the worst case scenario is that she gets back into my life, but that’s such a horrible thing for a daughter to think. It would kill me if my children felt that way. I know what is best for me but she’s my mom and no matter what, I am grateful for her sacrifice. I just feel stuck.

      I have had many, many boobies come by for me to cry into (although we’ve been drinking which makes me want to pole dance rather than cry which is good) and am happy for my friends.

  3. I have similar, unpredictable mother in law in my life. If it helps, my therapist told me to always treat her as if she were a 5 year old. I can be cordial and polite, but I never make any meaningful connection because you just never know what a 5 year old will do next. There are times when she’s very well behaved and I almost step over the cordial line…and then she does something stupid/normal for her and I pill back my hand before it gets bitten.

    Also, thanks for writing this. I so relate to wanting to do things alone in case someone else doesn’t enjoy it. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one. You’re amazing!!

    • Wow. Thank you so much. The 5 year old analogy sounds wise. My problem is that she’s my mom and for better or worse I want to be close to her. It’s my weakness. I want to share my inner life with her. But the second I do, the moment she senses weakness, she uses my vulnerability against me. I often feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy holds the football for him. She always pulls it.

  4. *puts on pushup bra* Viv! I can’t get to your blog on my work PC anymore (go figure! 😉 but I adore you so much I am willing to attempt to hunt and peck type you on my phone. Stop this! You do not have to accept the anger of that crazy bat woman! You have driven away just ball her up in your fists, feel a little sorry for her daughter, but throw her into the air to float away in pieces. You don’t have to carry that woman as baggage, she has to carry herself and contrary to her thoughts, not everyone is entitled to HER bad day.

    As for your mum that’s a tough one but I agree with you, protecting your children comes first. Always. And yourself comes second. No Child, even an adult one should ever feel cast out and worthless by a parent. Whatever you do decide, just realize, ” I love you but I just can’t anymore mom” is always an acceptable answer. I will be thinking about you and hugging you girly-cue. You are stronger than you feel and more beautiful than you could possibly know. 🙂

    • You are such a kind and compassionate soul, putting on a push-up just for me!

      What a roller coaster this day was. My Asian Daughter told me to keep eggs in my car so I can egg nasty drivers, or if I’m really feeling vindictive, bologna! She says it takes the paint right off!

      I can’t believe that at 42 I still haven’t figured out how to manage my relationship with my mom. You’d think I was used to it by now, but I guess not. I think you are right, though. My kids come first and I me being a sobbing mess doesn’t serve them at all, nor do I think that letting them get close to her (if that’s what she even wants, which I kind of think she doesn’t, she just is trying to get to me) so she can reject and criticize them would be good for them.

      Thanks for always reading and commenting. You are a sweetheart.

      • *hands you a fried bologna sammich* Hey for you I will even put my spanx on, that makes any extra bit of “stuff” roll on up there 🙂 Hang tough and don’t let the feckers get you down. huge hug!

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