Summer “Vacation”

Holy shit, it’s been almost a week since I’ve blogged.

Let’s see, what happened five days ago?

Oh, that’s right, summer vacation started. Actually, it started a couple weeks ago but my kids were in camp last week so I bought myself a week of pretending that this summer is going to be a snap compared to previous years.

My new office

If you need me, this is where I’ll be.

Aha. haha. Ha.

I am doing pretty well, no time to fuck around on the internet blog notwithstanding. It helps that the boys are bigger and actually sleeping in … a little.


Scrotus sleeps in the craziest positions.

Sleeping in meaning not waking up at the crack of dawn, which is what my stupid dog is for.

Walk me, motherfucker.

Walk me, motherfucker.

Fortunately I have my Tabby, whose husband wouldn’t take much convincing to believe that we might have a trip to The Isle of Lesbos coming up.


Me and Tabby

While it is true that I can give her what he cannot (dog walks at 5 in the morning), our love is platonic.

HOWEVER, her gorgeous sister is coming to summer in Boulder from the UK and we really want her to stay so we’ll be on the search for a bona-fide American to fall in love with and marry her because the only thing better than one skinny, snarky, angry Brit in Boulder is two skinny, snarky, angry Brits in Boulder.

The garden is flourishing with all the rain. I hope I can get the gooseberries before the squirrels do.

The garden is flourishing with all the rain. I hope I can get the gooseberries before the squirrels do. I want to use them at Nadia and David’s party.

I firmly believe that the way to survive the summer is to have a schedule, a plan.

My plan is to not let my kids get stupider over the summer. Seeing as how the school system sees fit to give kids three months off so they can lose two months of educational progress, it’s on me to educate them.

Which is great because I’m so educational.

Lesson #1, don't fuck with me or this antler thing will end up in your bed like it did with that other housemate the crossed me.

Lesson #1, don’t fuck with me or this antler thing will end up in your bed like it did to that other housemate that crossed me.

I found a really great spelling app, a couple grade appropriate math apps, and a cursive app (call me old fashioned) that the kids do for 10 minutes each, while I watch, as the other one reads for 30 minutes.

Watching them is key because I can …

  1. Time them
  2. Help them when they are stuck
  3. See that they are progressing and not just repeating the easy lessons, and
  4. Make sure they aren’t Youtubing tutorials on hermit crab care.

About the hermit crab thing.

I have always had a rule that we won’t have caged pets in our house. No hamsters, guinea pigs, lizards or snakes.

But yesterday I caved in let them have hermit crabs. Please don’t tell me this is a slippery slope.



Although a giant snake on the loose may take care of my cat problem and free up space for the Norwegian Forest FUCKING VIKING Cat that Nina promised me she would take up a collection for so I could have it for my birthday. (November 13, just incase you want to chip in)


Don’t get mad at me for wanting to buy a $600 cat. Nina put it in my head. Blame her because she really doesn’t give a shit what you think, which is why I love her.

They are *only* $600 and surely I can find 30 friends to kick in $20 so I can finally go to bed every night, wondering if this will be the night I perish from cat-belly-on-face suffocation.

I needs one.

I’m not sure how it happened, the crab thing. They have been bringing home beetles, snails, roly polies and whatever bugs they can get their hands on.

Then they make “habitats” which are gorgeous but now I don’t have single storage container that hasn’t been co-opted in the service of cooking bugs on the porch when they are invariably forgotten in the sun.

Screen Shot 2014-06-11 at 10.15.03 AMSo I made a deal. They have to pay for the entire cost of the hermit crab set-up, take care of them, and stop bringing snails in the house.

Yesterday I took the kids to a movie (the Cinemark in Boulder is $5 on Tuesdays, WOOHOO!)


Testiclese with a friend. God, why does he always look so miserable?

Then I took them to the park …

Really? The baby swings?

Really? The baby swings?

And then we went to Petco and they bought a habitat and hermit crabs which they named …


I’m totally not making this up. I guess I should be proud to know that my kids, although unwittingly, have inherited my deep love of malaprops.

Unfortunately my in-laws don’t realize that I am doing it on purpose because it’s funny and just think I’m an illiterate twit.

I don’t care anymore.

In the midst of my kids bouncing around the house while I’m trying to unpack the aquarium and get them to focus on reading instructions, etc., Nadia and David arrived!

davidDavid C. Owen has stayed with me a couple times before so he feels like family. I’ve only admired Nadia Sharif from her videos and it’s always such an interesting reality check to see artists in person, without the heels, music, and performance persona.

For one, she’s itty bitty. And two, she’s very warm.

Neither of these things matter to Blue. She must be kept away from me!


They are here to hang out and train with Marlo this week. I’m throwing a reception for them and I’m almost breathless with anticipation to see what will happen.

Please let some of this happen!

Nadia is the queen of handstands and David is the king of crotch.

I’m trying to not completely fan-girl out on her, but shit, it just fucking happens. It’s part of the “getting to know Viv” process that surely David and Marlo have prepped her for.


It’ll be fun.

I hope you all are having a wonderful summer!




15 thoughts on “Summer “Vacation”

  1. I will too! You NEED that cat, oh wait. Viv… I’m pretty sure those cats WON’T be discriminate about the birds so you may get rid of the chicken “problem” at the same time bc those cats look like they eat birds, hermit crabs, small children and probably even Blues….

    • I put it in Marlo’s room last night (not in the bed or anything, just behind the door) and she said it gave her tribal dreams. Oh shit.

  2. Pingback: Happy Father’s Day 2014 | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  3. Pingback: Feline Assphyxiation | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

Leave a Reply