I said I was gonna drunk post so here I am.
I’m blogging right now because:
- I can’t find Loony. He left the Bohemian Biergarten before me so he could relieve the sitter and now I can’t find him. Strange.
- I love my readers and I promised all twelve of you (but let’s be real, I’m probably down to five) that I would, and
- It won’t kill me to stay up and drink some more water.
It was a good night. I had a “small gathering” at my house that went completely off the rails, out of control.
It was supposed to be a chance for my boys to Battle Royale it out with Nerf guns in the alley but the weather had different plans. It was even better.
But oh shit, my house is FUCKED UP. Like wet towels and crap everywhere.
I’m so glad I mopped the floor before the party.
Whatever, it was worth it to see these faces.
Anyway, it was fun until around 9:00 when I seriously needed everyone to leave so I could get the kids ready for bed and get the hell out of the house to meet the Betties at the Biergarten to see The Goonies, only the best 80’s cover band ever.
I was humbled by the extreme display of dominance that Betty showed right off the bat. I mean, Messaged Received. You are way more of a badass than me!
Case in point, she didn’t want to pay the $5 cover and opted to french the doorman instead. W.O.W.
She must have been exuding some sexual napalm because ALL THE MEN were drawn to her. Even one winner who decided that it would be totally okay to swing dance in the most crowded bar ever. I totally told him off. You know, personal space and all.
She wanted to force her way to the front and I was on board. But I got stopped by this one, um, young lady, at the very front who was all, Chill out and I was all, Okay.
BUT IT WASN’T OKAY! THIS IS THE MUSIC OF MY YOUTH! NOT YOUR IRONIC WAY OF PASSING THE TIME!
I don’t think she even knew the words, her face was all unlined and youthful and totally bitchy. This intimidates me … but not Betty, she started giving Bitchface a back rub until she got weirded out and had to relent.
We slid right in and held our position for the rest of the night. There was an annoying couple doing the high school crush dance which was kind of okay because Betty was really thirsty and they were too busy dry humping to notice that she pretty much drank all of their beer.
And I thought I was the only one that stole drinks!
It was a wild crowd. One lovely lady who I smashed boobies with came up with one of her sleeves missing, some guy ripped it off with his teeth. Yikes!
Pornstache here danced with me during Time After Time a beautiful ode to love and whatever and I was happy to be rocking a fanny pack to put a little distance between me and his … member.
Did I mention he was only wearing speedos?
This is his buddy, the lighting is shitty and everything, but those pulsing stars? Well, they aren’t stars.
Pornstache started, well, dancing with Betty and it got kind of rhythmic and I was a little concerned for her well being since her face had that distinct Get me out of here! look. All I could think was better her than me.
I’m a terrible friend.
He, er, finished and I finally got to hear Total Eclipse of the Heart and we were able to bounce.
Pamcakes got all concerned about the walk back to my house.
“Oh my god! Are we lost? Where are we?”
I live in a straight line from the Biergarten.
Like Virgil I guided her and Betty back home and no one peed their pants or in a park.
So like, yah, I guess I could be more drunk but I have a feeling I’m still going to pay. Sorry to disappoint you Nina.
I can tell you this much. My neck is going to be so sore tomorrow. I did some serious head banging … and singing!
If I don’t lose my voice it will be nothing short of a miracle. If I do, all semblance of order will be lost at my house since I won’t be able to yell at my kids.
I better go find my husband.