It’s been such a long weekend and not the best one at that. The kids had a four-day break, which was just in time given that it’s been a whole two weeks since Spring Break and they were needing a little breather from all that hard-core academia.
My mental state is has been seriously declining and I’m not sure what the cause is, but a long weekend didn’t help.
Things have been far more stressful at home in the past than they are right now.
Truth be told, I have so much to be happy about. Given that, I am concerned that there might be something chemical going on with me.
I’ve been through depression before and know the warning signs and this feels strangely familiar. But before I reach for the Prozac, I want to try some behavioral modifications.
My first step is making a list.
Making a list and checking off my to-do items is very helpful to my mental state. It just goes to show how fragile my self-esteem is that completing a list can be the deal maker when it comes to not feeling like a total fucking loser all the time.
I’m also going to try meditating for 15 minutes a day. It has helped in the past and might help now. If that fails, I’ll make an appointment to see my doctor.
I hate being such an uptight ball of rage, but that’s what I feel like and it’s not fair to anyone.
Yesterday I felt like I was constantly about to blow a gasket over nothing. All this internalized anxiety is not good for me.
Especially when it is spring and I should be happy.
Recently I was criticized for being too harsh on my kids, the implication being that I am harming their emotional well being.
I think this is the perception because Loony and I have a running thing, derision is our language of affection. Hence the Fucking Cat and Stupid Dog, and Loony and Minion all the “funny” names we have.
We don’t hate the cat or the dog or each other, we just express our affection strangely. We are sarcastic people.
Yet point taken, I assume that everyone knows this about me and they know I’m kidding. But maybe they don’t?
This strikes me at my core because I love my children so much. I am struggling right now with life in general, but I don’t want it to affect them. But how can I prevent that from happening without medicating the shit out of myself?
Perhaps I should work on my language and focus on the positive, which is what I’ll do now.
We had a lovely Easter. Thanks to Emily the boys got to color some eggs. I didn’t have it together. I wish I liked doing that kind of thing, for the sake of the boys.
She always goes all-out and in a strange way. This year she had a gingerbread Easter village that was ravaged by a volcano. You heard me right. Emily is the coolest.
Blue got to play with another Great Dane that we ran into at the dog park. Max is a gorgeous dog.
The boys like the dog park because there are giant, hollow tree trunks that they love to play in.
We got baby chicks, that’s exciting.
Loony pissed me off by asking Mira if it was okay if he threw the dead chick in the trash.
What the fuck? He didn’t have to say that! It felt so insensitive, why put a fine point on it and to a little girl? Why not just bury the poor thing for Mira’s sake or not and at least say he did?
I’m feeling extremely sensitive.
But positive. Staying positive.
This weekend I was blown away by how big Scrotus is getting. Wow, that sounds so dirty.
He’s sleeping in on the weekends (as in, past 8am) and when he comes downstairs in his flannel PJ pants, he looks like such a dude. I can’t help but gawk at him.
That Fucking Cat Sweet Baby Kitten has been up to no good. She got out the other night unbeknownst to us. She spent the night under the porch and came streaking in when I got up.
To express her displeasure at us for, I don’t know, being human, she carried a toilet paper roll to the bed and shredded it.
Given her other forms of self-expression, it could be worse. And I still want to kiss her smug little face.
The only thing that makes me feel good these days is going to the studio. I took Ranee’s Aerial Strength and Flexibility class last night for the very first time. Challenging is a very nice way of describing the class. It was so hard!
I couldn’t believe how unforgiving and hard the fabric felt against my skin, it bites and burns, but oh the shapes you can make … So pretty.
That is all for now. I’m not even going to edit this thing, I want to get back to life.
Testiclese is sick (yay, more days off!) and I need to make him lunch and do a little cuddling. It feels good.