That F#cking Cat Wins

Of course that Fucking Cat won. She’s a cat and they ALWAYS win. What a shocker.


We tried so hard to train That Fucking Cat how to use the toilet and I think we were making real progress. She was pooping and peeing in it, albeit with a training ring in place. Everything was going great.


Then I went out of town and everything fell apart.

TFC got mad that we left and then Natasha left and decided to vent her ire in the universal language of cats: peeing on everything.


Unfortunately “everything” was my bed and by the time I got home she had decided that my bed is where she does her business.



Even as I was unpacking my luggage she squatted on the bed and let it rip. As I was watching! The nerve.

“She’s confused!” My oh-so-generous step-mom declared.

She’s right, TFC is confused but I firmly believe she is the devil and wants to punish me for having my own life and because making me miserable gives her pleasure.

And she might be mad about when Loony does this to her.

And she might be mad about Loony shoving her in his underpants. I know, it’s really weird.

The first thing I did was get out her litter box. She loves it. You can hear her stomping around in there and when I clean it she comes tearing over to shit it up tout suite.

God, I love cats so much. I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to have one. Or five.

This last week has been dedicated to repeatedly cleaning my mattress. I cleaned and dried it at leas three times. I used:

1 gallon of Nature’s Miracle

A mixture of dish soap and peroxide

A whole box of baking soda

A scrub brush

A shop vac

I can’t say that the smell is 100% gone but I can’t tell exactly what I am smelling. Is it the vinegar? Or the baking soda? Maybe it’s the peroxide and dish soap? Or that enzyme stuff? Anything but cat pee.

At least my house doesn’t smell like a litter box and you have to stick your nose all the way in there to smell anything at all.



I flipped my mattress over, put a vapor proof cover on it and hoped for the best. It seems TFC is back on track, aka not using my bed as a toilet anymore.

I’m sad that the toilet training thing didn’t work out, it would have been so cool.



I know someone is gonna tell me to just let her go outside to pee and I’m down with that, Frank used to go outside exclusively and it was great, but I really want to keep TFC inside because Loony loves birds and having an outdoor cat is pretty much the worst thing you can do to a bird population.


And there is always this which causes major brain damage among the kids …

Which wouldn't be a bad thing because I've always wanted to try making a squirrel into sausage.

Which wouldn’t be a bad thing because I’ve always wanted to try making squirrel sausage.

She’s not out of the woods yet. There are still dozens of ways in which she displeases me.

For one, she refuses to sleep on my face. Is that too much to ask?

And B, there’s the shredding thing.


I could still get rid of her stupid ass, especially when she makes it so easy and I’ve got a taker. Who can resist a face like hers?

I’m officially done wasting all day blogging about what comes out of my cat’s rear end.




13 thoughts on “That F#cking Cat Wins

  1. Douche. That works really well for getting rid of cat pee smell. Go to KS, buy about 8 bottles of douche, and tell the checkout clerk you ‘you have a problem at home’ wink wink.

    Also love the pic of Loony!

  2. Viv! Buy a new mattress! Curious, have you tried flipping the TP so the paper rolls from the inside? I’ve never had a cat but I would think it at least a little more of a challenge. And thanks for answering another question I had, I was curious how your cat got along with your chickens. 😀 Have a great weekend!

    • Flipping the TP would do nothing. She’s attacked packages of TP still wrapped in double layers of plastic.

      The chickens live on my neighbors coop but we’re getting chicks soon. It will be kitty tv for her while we brood them in shower.

      • Cats aren’t really that much trouble, I just like to milk it for the most bloggable moments, of which she gives me plenty. She’s great with the kids, is very patient, lets the dog sniff her butt and isn’t freaked out by him, and keeps her claws sheathed at all times. She’s not peeing on anything anymore, too.

  3. For God’s sake, give the FC away! Nothing is worth always wondering where the f#cker will pee next. Remember the disaster that was Mo and Lish! When those too beasts left was one of the best days of my life. No more covering the entire main floor with huge sheets of plastic when I was out of the house. And remember, even the most charitable Mother In Law outlawed cats in her house, and she has many that are oh, so adorable, but even more so when OUTDOORS! God bless a cat free house!

    • Hey now! Nobody maligns That Fucking Cat but me! She hasn’t peed on anything since we got back and reinstated The Box. Plus, I gravitate towards high maintenance relationships!

  4. My two cents: no Viv, you’re wrong, they don’t always win. Not by a longshot. I’m sure you and a majority of your readers don’t want to hear about it, though. & anyway, if you really mean it about “gravitate towards high maintenance relationships,” there’s no reason to deny yourself. This one must be deeply fulfilling.

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