I Almost Did A Very Bad Thing

I have a confession to make. I had every intention of getting That Fucking Cat pregnant.

I was going to pretend I thought she was already spayed and write off her growing girth to a "growth spurt"

I was going to pretend I thought she was already spayed and pass off her growing girth to a “growth spurt”

I was only going to do it once and then get her fixed, I swear! I was also going to line up homes in advance for all the kittens after I had the pick of the litter.

But it’s still wrong. I know.

Yet I have such fond childhood memories of my cat giving birth in my bed while I slept, of my mother pulling back the covers to reveal two tiny kittens that had been born minutes ago at my feet. It was magical.

And it doesn’t make it right that I wanted to experience that again.

But I was still going to do it.


I conjured up the perfect web of lies to (hopefully) spare myself from being drawn and quartered by my more socially responsible readers. It was diabolical!

When it comes to being sneaky, I am the hands-down master.

Super sneaky

Super sneaky

Seriously, when I read about some dip-shit politician getting busted for cheating or whatever, I always wonder how it’s possible that such a person could make it so far.

This shit is seriously funny

This shit is seriously funny

I mean really, doesn’t anybody know how to sneak around anymore?

Here’s a refresher:

  • Don’t use email or any traceable form of communication
  • Don’t send naked pictures of yourself
  • Don’t write about it in your diary and then leave your diary by your bed
  • Don’t tell anyone, you idiot

I come by this wisdom having made all these mistakes and gotten royally busted. I had it coming.


If you ask me, don’t betray someone you love or even just like. Don’t do it. Everyone (including you) will suffer terribly.


Not my arm, but I like it.

My peace of mind and integrity means the world to me. Nothing feels as good as being out of my integrity feels bad.

But I digress.

Before you hit the “unfollow” button, I want to assure you that I’m not going through with it. In fact, That Fucking Cat has an appointment to get spayed tomorrow at 7am and the Humane Society’s clinic.


She’s been suggestively flouncing around in front Blue and we might get some bizarre cross-species freakiness going on which I’m not sure I can explain to my kids.

She also wants out of the house, badly. She’s making a break for the door every time I go near it.

Uh oh.

The lady at the clinic wanted to know her name.

“Her name is  That Fu … um … Kitter … eh … Kitsy! Heh, heh.”

What changed my mind?

  • That Fucking Cat isn’t very special, she’s just a stupid cat that doesn’t possess the genetics to warrant breeding even though I was told she was half Maine Coon. Half Maine Coon my ass.
  • No one with a cat of any pedigree would breed her stud with my stupid mongrel
  • It’s wrong to breed cats when so many still need homes
  • Loony would be really mad at me
  • My friends would be mad at me
  • My readers would be mad at me
  • TFC is very small and she might die during labor
  • What I really want is an orange tabby and getting TFC knocked up would be a crap shoot
  • TFC is totally annoying and would probably have equally annoying kittens, she’d probably get knocked up by the ugliest cat ever just to annoy me
  • Knowing my luck, her kittens would look like this. The upside would be that Tabby would fall in love with them and adopt them all.

    Knowing my luck, her kittens would look like this. The upside would be that Tabby would fall in love with them and adopt them all.

You mean aside from all those reason? Here’s why I changed my mind.



Kayla is one of the most lovely people I’ve met. I’m slowly getting to know her but her Facebook feed, unlike most everyone else’s, makes me happy and like her more. FB feeds rarely have that effect on me.

It’s full of pictures of her current fostered kitties.

Her current foster kitties

Her current foster kitties

She’s been fostering cats that are slated to be euthanized and she’s been doing it for ALMOST SIX YEARS!

I can only imagine the restraint it takes for her to not keep a couple cats and get out of the fostering business. She abstains from having her own cats so she may help others.

She visits shelters and pet stores and takes pictures of adult cats so they can find homes. It’s a beautiful labor of love.

How can I respond to that selfless commitment by being part of the problem?


I told her that I’m looking for a super slutty male orange tabby. She didn’t miss a beat.

“I’ll find you one!” she said and started tagging me in photos of potential candidates.

By super slutty, I mean lusty. I am not slut-shaming cats!

I want a cat that wants to make out all day, sleep on my face and offer up the belly for motor boating.

That's what I'm talking about!

That’s what I’m talking about! NOM NOM NOM!!!

We talked about her foster work and she confessed that she can’t be friends with people who don’t neuter and spay, who by their actions take homes away from her foster kitties.

It’s a good thing she didn’t know about my plans.

She made a good point, one that I have always believed in but lost sight of. I’ve gotten numerous cats from the shelter in the past (and don’t forget how I got my stupid dog), but I needed her to remind me.

I mean, I can’t have Kayla hate me, can I?


I figure my kids can experience the wonders of kitten birth by watching videos on Youtube, or maybe when they are older we will foster cats ourselves, perhaps some kittens or even a pregnant female.


Tabby refused to help me by promising to take a kitten. At first she agreed to collude with me but then told me she couldn’t live with herself.

Moneypenny broke down and got one from shelter, Dirdy Birdy might hate me, and even Lemony would probably have to bite her tongue to keep from telling me off, so I really have no choice but to do the right thing.

I’m still getting the man-ho tabby cat of my dreams, even if it means enduring Loony’s disapproving face, but I’m used to that.

25 thoughts on “I Almost Did A Very Bad Thing

  1. I officially love you now. Thank you!!
    BTW, I’m super partial to orange tabbies, myself. I’ve read somewhere that orange male tabbies are the most affectionate and, in my experience, that has been true.
    Good luck with the search and with dealing with Loony’s disapproving face. LOL You’re a hoot!

    • Thanks! I know I’ll sleep better at night once TFC gets spayed. I’ll sleep especially well once I find the orange tabby of my dreams to lie on my face and practically suffocate me in my sleep.

  2. I remember our cat having kittens when I was a kid. It was so cool to have the little tiny puffs mewing about. Both my current cats are neutered and I’ve been cutoff (husband’s orders ;-P) from getting any more animals for now. Obviously the best course of action is for me to foster kittens 🙂

  3. TFC of yours “doesn’t warrant breeding” is right, not with the toilet-paper- shredding gene the creature’s clearly got. As one of your readers (yes even these cat posts), I wouldn’t be “mad” if you let her multiply, but I would question your motives. Which in fact you are being totally open and honest about…
    I remember having to extract litters of kittens out from under the house with a rake, and having then to figure out what to do with the mewling, insufferably cute little things. Oy!
    I’m also reminded…I wonder, did MAC ever get over her cat-hoarding tendencies from those earlier times? If I remember right, at one time she had over 20 hanging around her place in Ephraim.

    • I think she’s down to 4 if you can believe that! The truth is that my mama cat got sick of all the attention her babies were getting and moved them to an inaccessible hole in the basement. Surely TFC would do the same thing.

      • And to be fair to MAC, for people on this blog don’t know her, she wasn’t a cat hoarder by definition. Her house is on the end of a country road and people dropped cats off at her house. Every cat was spayed/neutered, vaccinated, received medical attention (some quite expensive) and each had his/her own litter box and bed in the heated garage. Only two of the cats were ever allowed in her house. You could say she ran her own rescue operation. She’s my hero.

        • I was using the term “cat hoarding” in jest. She does seem like kind of a soft touch, though, where cats are concerned… 😉

        • Of course, Greg. I know that. Just making sure my readers don’t think my step-mom is a crazy cat lady. She’s more of a saint.

  4. I remember with Athena as she was approaching 7-8 mos I was getting a little nervous especially after seeing an intact dog(that looks just like your big boy) walking around our neighbor unattended.

    Every time we would schedule her for to be spayed something would happen(infection, diarrhea, you name it)There was a huge sense of relief after it was done.(There are several intact dogs here in Indianola….crazy but true)

  5. You are awesome for coming clean about your secret desire, and for arresting yourself with logic and the threat of public shame.

    And yes! You can foster a preggo kitty from a shelter or a rescue group!! Best of all possible worlds.

    • I have lots of secret desires and I am also very devious and sneaky. However, I’ve learned the hard way what pain such deviousness can bring which is why I write about flirting with hot young men, drinking too much and wanting to get my cat knocked up. It puts me into a place of accountability. It lets me share my urges in a productive way and make a better choice. Thanks for being on my team!

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