Cringe Party

I’M HAVING A VALENTINE’S DAY CRINGE PARTY!

57dd6_ORIG-5df78_ORIG_cringe

Enough with the high-pressure, sexy parties that end up in Total Relationship Destruction because, really, you wanted to break up but didn’t have the heart to do it on The Most Romantic Day Of The Year.

But the pressure got to you and you did it anyway.

6a012876c6c7fb970c017d41092e06970c-320wi

Worst. Valentine’s. Day. Ever.

You aren't alone

You aren’t alone

Not at my house. Not at my party. No sir.

Fuck that, I’m throwing a cringe party instead.

Bust out those elastic waist sweat pants (or “jeggings” if you must), bring those Cool Ranch Doritos that you and your friends used to go to town on, and most importantly, bring something of a personal nature to sacrifice.

Price of admission: Something truly humiliating to share with the crowd.

NEED IDEAS?

1146

This would do, but it has to be of you.

  • Awkward yearbook photos from junior high
  • Embarrassingly ernest love letter
  • Philosophical manifesto penned at the sage old age of 14
  • Diary entry (or in my case, “memoir”)
  • Tale of sexual humiliation, more points if it involves loss of virginity (we already know who is gonna win this one)
  • Mixed tape with “Awesome” or “Best …. Ever” as the title
  • Poetry
  • Original song
  • Interpretive dance
  • You could up the ante by wearing your favorite outfit from a bad era, especially if it gives you camel toe
  • You get the idea

These will be shared with fellow party goers. I assure you, we will all be laughing at you.

Not with you.

At you.

3239240-i-dont-always-laugh-but-when-i-do-i-laugh-at-you

I’m already sweating a little just thinking about what I’m going to do. I hope you all don’t mind losing. To me.

THE DEETS

When? Friday February 14 Valentine’s Day, Baby.

What Time? 7pm

Kids allowed? Are you insane?

What Can I Bring? Something humiliating. Don’t worry, we’re in this together. I’ll liquor you up for courage. And bring a bean bag if you have one.

What If I Don’t Want to Humiliate Myself? Then you don’t have to come.

Where? My place, duh. Be careful where you park.

Will There Be Kissing? Only girl-on-girl. Remember, NO ONE IS BREAKING UP AT MY PARTY!

Is there anything else I can bring? Highly snackable food and drinks

What can I leave behind? Your pride

RSVP in the comments section. You can invite people but only if they are cool. There will be a special prize to the best (worst) cringe offering of the night.

42 thoughts on “Cringe Party

  1. I am coming. I have nothing in my history that is the least bit embarrassing so I am going to bring my husband, his face is the most embarrassing thing I have.

  2. One embarrassing loss of virginity story, coming right up! I’ll give you a hint: it involves moonshine and snow. (Oh wait, so do most of my stories.)

    Justin and I are in.

  3. YES! I will be there will baby bump and man responsible in tow! Embarrassing high school love notes between Ben and I shall be read – I am so nervous – but hell, it will be like removing duct tape from arm hair – feels so good when you rub it later!

    • Don’t worry, I have a stack of sexual “memoirs” to select juicy passages from, all written in the style of “Valley Of The Horses”. Oh God. I don’t know if I can do it. I promise to play my mixed tape, though.

      • I’m going to Tulum. I am SO SAD I will miss this!!!! I really wanted to make out with a girl and I have some great stories! I’ll tell the best one but its about a friend…..she heard you are suppose to shave your pussy and shaved only the top & left the lips all hairy! Yup! Her boyfriend was all…..interesting! HA!

  4. I’ll be there just so I can share a funny, humiliating story about my ex!!!! Yes, I was there. Yes, I’ll have others, as well.
    I’m laughing so hard right now just thinking about it- it’s amazing!

  5. B & I will most likely be there, we will try and have a good amount of sake by the time we enter your humble abode…
    as for tales of sexual humiliation, you better have whiskey on hand to loosen his tongue… 😉

  6. Looking forward to the party. Unfortunately Michael is in Australia so I will be flying solo. Maybe it’s for the best he doesn’t read my old love letters.

  7. I will be there….I think I will share an interesting story about the first “bigger” girl I had relations with back in college….. Jack Daniels made me do it….’nuff said…..

  8. Pingback: Cringe Party Redux | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

Leave a Reply