Not What I Had In Mind

It’s 1:16 in the morning and I have been cutting the crap for the last 45 minutes.

I have not become overwhelmed with minimalist zeal that demanded immediate attention. I wish.

Blue had another poop-splotion.

It’s been a long time since he’s had one of those. I think this is his third in the year-and-a-half we’ve had him. A Great Dane with gastric distress is no laughing matter.


The first time was because our crazy painter (and I mean certifiable) fed Blue a couple pounds of carnitas (spicy Mexican fried pork). The second time had to do with a bacterial infection.

This time was all my fault.


I boiled a turkey carcass for stock and I reserved the meat for Blue. I thought that it would be mild and not fatty enough to not irritate his stomach.

I watched a documentary on the tallest Great Dane (Giant George) and he eats a rotisserie chicken every day, and those are really greasy and salty.

Lonny warned me about this. He said it would upset Blue’s stomach and I laughed him off, but I’m not laughing now.

Blue’s pacing woke us up and Lonny said, “It smells really bad in the hall. I think Blue had an accident.”


I don’t know if it is my mother’s reflex to start breathing through my mouth at the hint of a possibility that there might be a poop situation, but I didn’t initially smell anything. “I don’t smell anything. I’m sure it’s fine.”

But then I went downstairs and Blue wouldn’t follow me, he was too ashamed. That was my first clue. I turned the lights on and I started to make out the extent of the disaster. There was diarrhea everywhere. His bed, the hall, all over the carpet … everywhere. At least it wasn’t in Testiclese’s bed.

It wasn’t as bad as when I took care of a neighbor’s giant German Shepard. He was K-9 unit police dog, very sensitive and only took commands in German. No joke. I was terrified of the dog but his owner was hot so …

Ingo (his real name) did not like being left at home and crapped all over the shag carpet in his basement. All. Over. Who knew a dog had that much poop in him? And it was that full-on 70’s style deep shag, too.

macro of shag carpet

I was young at the time and cleaned it all up, it took hours and was beyond nasty.

Looking back, I can’t believe I did that, and for no money. I was doing what I thought was right. My neighbor was lucky it was me and not anyone else who would have closed the door and walked away from that bad boy.

So compared to Ingo, this wasn’t so bad.

roflbot-3 copy

Last night I cleaned up the mess with bucket after bucket of hot, soapy water. I felt more than a little glad that I did not chuck the box of vinyl exam gloves. A containment suit would have been better.

Pussy Galore (AKA That Fucking Cat) watched me work in what can only be described as sadistic pleasure while Blue suffered silently on his other bed.


He felt so bad that he couldn’t even look at me. Observing the scene of the accident, I can say that this was out of his control. I feel bad for him and his poor tummy.

Possesses a healthy sense of shame.

Possesses a healthy sense of shame.

He never has accidents in the house unless they are medical in nature. I know it wounds him to the core to do anything wrong.

Lonny is sleeping blissfully unaware of my toil. It was my fault so I consider it my mess to deal with. I only wish that it wasn’t one degree out right now so I could air out the house.

Screen Shot 2013-12-05 at 1.40.57 AM

Considering the literal crap cutting I did tonight, and that I’ll be on 24 hour poop-watch (sleeping fully clothed, in my boots, on the couch), I’m going to take tomorrow off.

13 thoughts on “Not What I Had In Mind

  1. Romulous had recurring poop issues for the first year we had him. The vet said it could be allergies or it could be he needs more fiber. We started sprinkling a tsp of Metamucil in his food and it worked like a charm! We still use it daily and so much cheaper than sorting out allergies. That pic of Blue is super sad.

    • I can’t be mad at Blue when he is so miserable. The cat, on the other hand …

      Blue’s digestion is pretty regular, it was the change in diet that threw him. I hope he firms up soon.

  2. Bummer! I had a high strung Greyhound that had poop scenes like that often. Not fun! Ground beef and cooked white rice does the trick!

  3. Hermes has had several cases of this over the couple of years I have had him. I now have him on a fairly expensive diet. People think he is spoiled, but really, once you’ve cleaned up massive amounts of dog diarrhea, you are willing to pay a bit more not to have to do it again. Poor Blue, poor you! Hope he feels better soon!

    • Blue does well on his usual diet, it’s when we stray from it that he does poorly. Massive puddles of doggy doo are the worst and must be avoided at all cost!

      Blue’s doing okay, I’ve got him on rice and yogurt which should settle his stomach. Me? I’m just very tired. It’s nothing a good night’s sleep won’t fix.

      Thanks for writing!

  4. Rider has been having poop issues since I got back in town. He obviously got into something while I was gone or was given something that upset his tummy. Luckily he isn’t having diarrhea in the house (thank you Jesus) but he is crying to go outside literally every half an hour or so. Sigh.

    Blue’s butt looks so fat in that picture!! Wow!! I am impressed. (is that weird to say??)

    • I know! He’s gotten so fat! (smiley face) If you have the time, can you go back into your FB timeline to March/April 2012 to find that photo you posted of him? It was so sad and he’s come so far.

  5. I love the way you write…I laughed and laughed. Anyone who is a dog parent has most likely dealt with a similar situation. But there is a big difference b/w a little dog and a Great Dane…..
    I remember Baby Stella had sphincter of steel but was prone to bacteria infections. Only one time did she have a blow out and it was in my car. I had just got out of yoga and was all nice and relaxed until, I open the car door and the smell almost knocked me over. There was fire hose diarrhea all over the inside, in the little nooks and crannies b/w all the buttons for the radio. I was alternating b/w saying “Son of a bitch!” then comforting her and saying,”It’s OK, you are a good girl” back and forth…I had to keep grabbing paper towels from the locker room, clean it up, then dump it in the dumpster and wait for someone to go into the gym because I didn’t want to touch the handle…hahahah She was on a round of antibiotics for a major bacteria infection.

    • Blue is a champ when it comes to the potty, he only has ever had an accident when it was a medical situation. He’s never peed in the house, ever. He was trained well in that respect.

      Your car situation sounds hellish. I have a gross poop/buttons/cracks story but maybe another day.

      By and large, I love having a big dog and I find them to be lower maintenance than a smaller dog, way less than a really small dog, except when it comes to picking up poop. buying food, and moving them when they are sick.

      I remember Stella. She was a good dog.

  6. Stella was such a great dog. We miss her. Athena on the other hand likes to be bad. You can see her deciding if she wants to listen to you or not…
    It is interesting that our puppy Athena can eat all types of weird things on the beach and she is fine, but change her food……It took many visits to the vet and many types of dog food to finally figure out what works. The vet recommended IAMS lamb and rice and that does the trick…She had all types of fancy dog food but IAMS is what works for her. Go figure.

    Basil and I also love big dogs, although our girl is tiny compared to your beautiful Great Dane.

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