How Much Am I Worth? (7124-7144)


I’m a big fucking bummer today people. Be warned, I say “fuck” a lot in this post.

I wrote this blog last night and was feeling really sorry for Lonny and maybe a tad bit generous. I have since hardened my heart. But this is what I wrote:

——————–

Mostly I think Lonny needs our support. Even though he insists, perhaps rightly, that he is the only one who can sort clothing, we can help lighten his load by taking things to the garage, putting in shelves, and relieving him of some of the other things that he can let go of.

This project has been a beast, not just this week but all year. He has tolerated me taking my computer to bed with me, chucking shit out of the house, and being generally consumed with a a project that has taken over my life. Now I need to help him.

———————-

That was last night. Today is different. Today I am feeling despair. Lonny left the house around 9am this morning to get a new garbage disposal. Ours died  yesterday and we were feeling glad that it didn’t shit the bed on Thanksgiving. That would have been awesome.

Very helpful dog.

Very helpful dog.

I took the boys to a class and some errands and expected to return to him working away at the piles.

A snowy walk.

A snowy walk.

Come 1:00 and he wasn’t home, I called him. He was shopping.

I felt like the wife of an alcoholic who has gone missing for the day, only to find him at a bar. That’s rather harsh and not entirely fair, but at the moment it was exactly how I felt.

I managed to stay calm and point out that he doesn’t need to shop because he has a surplus of merchandise that is clogging our home. His time is best spent here, dealing with it, and not avoiding the problem and adding to it by bringing home more stuff.

I sympathized that it is overwhelming at home and I understand that he wants to escape the thankless toil. Shopping is an escape because he enjoys the thrill of the hunt and buying something that he knows has excellent resale value feels good.

But it is also counterproductive because it is unlikely that he could find something more valuable than some of the stuff that has been sitting in this house for years. Valuable and not taken advantage of.

It broke my heart. I wanted to cry. Really. I wanted to sit down on the floor and cry.

I’m trying to be supportive. I try to see things from his perspective and have compassion and sympathy. I want him to feel appreciated and acknowledged for his gifts.

But I am so tired of this uphill battle. I wanted to scream GET HELP!!!

I fear that I am his enabler, especially as I spent my day moving every last thing out of the second floor. As I did my best to clear the dining room and sort the piles of clothes into similar categories. As I cleared a space in the basement to put his tape decks and obsolete electronics that he insists are collectible.

I have no doubt that there is someone out there who collects this stuff. But why does Lonny have to deal in all of it? Why can’t he choose just clothes and shoes? Why does he have to buy that fucking barbed wire that has a tag on it that says it was from some concentration camp that some sick fucker on the internet might want to buy for a lot of money?

WHY?

IMG_8124

Or Grateful Dead collectibles, or stacks of Time Magazines, or a box full of 8-tracks? Why must all this be his burden?

Everything he sees that is collectible must be bought and resold … eventually. It’s that perfectionism of the hoarder. Everything is so fucking valuable.

How valuable is this house when it is tidy and attractive to vacationers versus looking like a crazy junkyard? Really damn valuable. And what about me? How valuable am I?

I want him to choose me. To choose our home. To choose peace. To choose a less crazy life. I want him to stand back and see how insane this all is, how understanding and game I try to be and to appreciate that I loathe schlepping stuff up and down the stairs for a solid week but I do it anyway and I accept the role of the bad guy rather than feeling outraged.

I hate it when I feel like the only way to escape this madness is to escape him.

I’m escaping to my office and with me flee the dog and the kids. I don’t think they care about the clutter, they just want to be near me. Thank God.

Image 1

He says this is his second favorite room.

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Blue is happy that at last he has a bed up here. He was really stressed out about not being able to hang out with me.

What crap did I cut today? Loads. Bags of bags, a big box of stuff to go to the Salvation Army before Lonny digs everything out and stows it somewhere. And this longboard.

IMG_8235

Vintage Alpha Freebord 100cm. Craigslist.

Stuff to donate. Yes, could sell some of it, or spend hours making sure they all go proper homes, but fuck it. IT'S NOT MY GODDAMNED JOB TO "SAVE" EVERYTHING FROM OBLIVION.

Stuff to donate. Yes, I could sell some of it, or spend hours making sure they all go proper homes, but fuck it. IT’S NOT MY GODDAMNED JOB TO “SAVE” EVERYTHING FROM OBLIVION! IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!!

 

9 thoughts on “How Much Am I Worth? (7124-7144)

  1. Hang in there…….It is great to just take a huge box/bag of sutff to a thriftstore and let someone else deal with the treasures.

    I had one lady (customer)ask me,” How could you ever get rid of art books? Do you know how much these are worth?” Do you think that I am a dumbshit and can’t see the cost on the jacket cover?(No I did not say that… 🙂 ) I said my mother-in-law died and had 100’s of books and this is just a fraction…I have gotten rid of boxes.
    I love donating or giving things to people who are really excited about it. Basil has given BOXES of cooking stuff to a friend at work who wants to start her own bakery. She was thrilled beyond words…The stuff was worth hundreds and hundreds of dollars. What a perfect person to give them to.

    • I feel the same way as you do. Lonny has a hard time letting go of the value. He doesn’t mind getting rid of stuff, but he wants to sell everything. I know people who have inflated ideas of something’s value, and that’s a problem. I do believe Lonny knows whether something has actual worth, but he can’t walk away from something at a thrift store. He can’t leave it for someone else.

  2. Stay strong girly. It’s hard when someone lets unnecessary things weigh them (and those around them) down. Just keep digging and helping solve the issue as best you can. You’re doing a great job. Sending positive thoughts your way! 😀

  3. After reading through this I’m feeling a little hesitant to butt in w/any comments, but…
    1. I’m not around, not actually seeing you day-to-day, only getting impressions from what I read here. Based on that, though, your mood swings can seem pretty extreme. Maybe the blog routine exaggerates that impression, but…just hope you’re ok.
    2. Didn’t Lonnie at one time have a whole separate facility that he used for the business, both for working with the stuff and for storage?
    Would simply getting the business out of the house again be an option?

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