Sexting, My Way (6843-6853)

I just ate a whole loaf of bread at a Halloween party. And it wasn’t even that good. But I’m wearing a cow costume and I figured why not just go with it?

This is the dumbest video ever.

I have a Halloween costume philosophy. If it doesn’t show boobs, I don’t do it.


I sexted this picture to all of my most important friends.


Totally showing teat.

Before I turned into a Middle Aged Woman On Fire, I was a rather sedate Stepford Wife, or I was at least trying really hard to be one. But that freaky side of me was just trying to come through.

The full coverage costumes from those days are still useful for trick-or-treating (because they are warm) but you can see the Real Me lurking just under the surface.

Homeboy is down with the fur.

Homeboy is down with the fur.

I suited up for a neighbor’s pre-Halloween turkey chili party wherein we tried to front load our kids with actual nutrition before allowing them to go bananas on Halloween candy. How many minutes until Halloween is over and I can throw out all the candy?

Yah babe. Me, too.

Yah babe. Me, too.

I spent the day at the school, wearing a path between 1st and 3rd grade and feeling generally irritated that I didn’t wear more comfortable shoes. Since kids aren’t allowed to wear their costumes to school, administrators feel the need to make it up to them with time and labor intensive non-pagan, non-religious, non-anything parties.

Paganism. I'll drink to that!

Paganism. I’ll drink to that!

Last year, and I’m not kidding, someone objected to pumpkin decorating. SQUASH! There needs to be some kind of arbiter of reasonability out there. Someone who has the authority to say, “You are being a complete pain-in-the-ass. You are no longer entitled to an opinion.”

I guess that could be me in my tiny blogging universe.

Yep. I volunteered because I want to prove to the other moms that I'm no deadbeat. I'm sure they give a shit.

Yep. I volunteered to do crafts because I want to prove to the other moms that I’m no deadbeat. I’m sure they give a shit.

Between the school non-party parties and the pre-trick-or-treating party, I am so over kids touching my food and demanding that I get them shit like I’m some sort of waiter.

Kid: Can I have some cider?

Me: It’s your house, kid. You can do whatever you want.

Blank stare.

Me: Ohhh, you want me to get you some cider?

Still blank stare.

Me: It’s closer to you. (walking away)

But on a positive note, there were all kinds of Halloween buffets going on at the school and the food looked good. Even though I don’t have a kid in the second grade, their spread was deluxe. I was all, “I can eat.”

The parents got all Pinterest on the food, too. Good for them.

This morning all the kids at the elementary staged a Thriller flashmob. It was the cutest thing ever. 300+ kids were doing the Thriller dance in the schoolyard just before the bell rang. I love our school.

When I showed up a few hours later to do my time volunteer I overheard the principal dealing with a nasty message left by a neighbor. It was something along the lines of this morning’s activities being “totally inappropriate.”

She called him up and determined that he wasn’t objecting to the pagan nature of All Hallow’s Eve (because that shit happens, as you now know) it was that the noise disturbed his sleep, especially since it was “well before 8AM.”

“Well before” meaning 7:55am. It’s a fact.

He made sure to be clear that it wasn’t the kids that bothered him, it was all the noise they made. You know, like laughter and excitement. So annoying.

Given that our school has been around for something like 1000 years, I can safely say we were there first. If you don’t like listening to kids, don’t move in across from a school you dumbass.

roflbot-2 copy

People irritate me.

Not everyone has kids. People choose what’s right for them. But please, for the love of god, try to remember that at one time you, too, were a child and made noise and did the things that kids do. People tolerated your annoying ass so just shut the fuck up and steer clear of places that kids like to hang out. Like schools.

It’s like going to the beach and being all put out because it’s sandy.

You can bet that after my kids grow up and move out and I downsize to the glossy magazine flat of my dreams, it won’t be across from a school because I’m not an idiot. Or maybe it will be. Kids are cool even if they do touch my food. Seeing them play makes me happy.

On another note, there is something about my internet profile that just screams lesbian because I keep getting pop-up ads for Denver area lesbian dating sites.

If I can get a piece of this action, consider me in!

Consider me in if I can get a piece of this action!

It’s cool and everything, the pictures are better and at least it isn’t for rubber bracelets anymore. I ordered some for the party and ever since I have been getting pop-ups that encourage me to buy my customized rubber bracelets here!

But the thing is, I already bought them. I’m good. Really. So now they’ve moved on to the next logical thing: same sex dating. I guess they missed the part about me being married. To a man. Not that that ever stopped anyone.

Well Google, you don’t know everything about me now, do you?

Time to cut the crap.

And HAPPY DAY! It must be catch-up day for Heather because I’m getting lots of likes on my site. Thanks Heather!

19 thoughts on “Sexting, My Way (6843-6853)

  1. I hate that Halloween parties are now Fall Festivals complete with scary hay bales. And I’m totally using your walk away cider technique as I attend a kid’s birthday party this weekend. It’s right up my alley!

  2. This is certainly one your more hilarious/sarcastic posts. Love the video- divestiture format. Truly, I don’t know anyone who speaks his/her mind better than you–and who actually says what the rest of us only think. (Note the correct grammar above–but I’m sure you already noticed my excessive prescriptivism.) Well, I do teach English grammar, which gives me the right to strut my stuff. LD (i.e., Love, Dad. Don’t want to use any extra keystrokes.)

  3. I also have an arrowhead, a cool rock (that a friend picked up off the ground at Stonehenge, so, it is automatically better than a normal rock), and a crystal in a little dish on my dressing/makeup table. Why would I need these objects so near me when I put on makeup? Alchemy? O gods, transform this weary skin to porcelain?? I don’t even have kids, so, yeah. There are no excuses.

  4. Like I said (or tried to say–what’s up with the “post comments” function here anyway?) before, you’re just so cute in your cow costume! Nice teats, baby!

  5. 😉 I actually just read this one today! Wasn’t me! But today was a catch up day and went through like 40 of your posts. haha, ok, maybe 20 or so. I get them in my inbox and don’t want to miss any, so I read them when I have time!

  6. Pingback: Incase You Missed the Party | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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