Malicious Glitter and Urgent Communications


I love showers. I especially love taking them in the dark. They are so relaxing. Ahhhh.

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And after last night, I really, really, really need to recover. I’m kind of scared to look at the photos from the evening.

But in my characteristically self-revealing fashion, I’ll admit this much.

1. Yes, I did rip the pants off of Dr. Ken. Like, ripped, ripped. I don’t know what he did on the pole that put a sizable tear in the butt of his jeans, but I ran with it. I got in there and tore them all the way down to the ankle. Sorry Ken!

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Titzi showing off my handiwork. I loved having Ken there. Everyone expects women pole dancers or effeminate male dancers. No one knows what to think of Ken except that he is way masculine, really hot, wickedly talented and stronger than anyone. There’s no opening for attack.

2. In the dressing room I asked one of my adorable security guys (who was shirtless and prepping for his turn-the-tables lapdance performance with Kri) if someone’s fake mustache got stuck to his arm. He informed me that it was a birthmark. A very furry birthmark. My bad.

I forgot about this part, but Lemony told me that I didn’t just let it drop. I was like, “Hey man, I shaved for this party, why didn’t you?” Oh god.

You can see how I made this mistake? Lemony was laughing AT me. Not with me. At me.

You can see how I made this mistake? Lemony was laughing AT me. Not with me. At me.

3. The glitter situation got COMPLETELY out of hand. I suspect there might have even been some malicious glitterbombing going on but it was still the best part of the night.

4. I ended up dancing out the “last dance” (but not really) to Careless Whispers sandwiched between two of my security guys, both shirtless but one was wearing suspenders. Did I mention that I sang it out loud? Sing probably isn’t the right word. Belt, is more like it. God, that song rules. It’s so, so … Emotional.

Now I have to drop the boys off at one of their parkour classes. I made him promise me that it wasn’t going to be weird the next time we see each other, but who am I kidding. It’s gonna be weird.

I mean, after you sing AS LOUD AS YOU CAN right into someone’s ear, it never really is the same.

Joe and Lemony spent the night because there was NO WAY anyone was driving home. But I was irritatingly chatty and Lonny had to drag me out of their room. Actually, no. He gave up and went to our room and Lemony was all, “He is SO up on you!” What does that mean?

Now he and Joe are doing the car thing and trying to figure out how to get the disco ball out of the Elk’s entry. I talked to Justache last night and was like, “You’ve got to help us get that thing down.”

Justin is one of the owners of APEX, the new home of my disco ball and quite the little Napoleon when you give him a cop hat and a whistle, I might add. He was on security that night.

Justache: No problem. Just drop it off at the loading bay and we’ll get it up.

Me: No. YOU need to help US get it DOWN.

Justache: Oh, man. Do you have a truck?

Me: I can get a truck. What I need are men. Do you understand?

Justache: Yes, totally. Just make sure it doesn’t roll around wherever you put it and we’ll get it installed.

Me: NO! Justin. LOOK IN MY EYES! Are you with me? YOU need to get many GUYS and MEET ME back here at 10am tomorrow. With ropes. Got it?

Justache: That’s really early.

Me: Yes it is. Look. I need you tomorrow. Okay? You are going to answer the phone when I call because I know you have my number and are ignoring me on purpose.

Justache: Just don’t call me at 9, okay? Just drop it off at APEX and I’ll take care of it.

This is when I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and start shaking him but that works better with babies. Just kidding. Never shake a baby. That shit isn’t funny. 

Me: Let’s take this from the top.

So that was my night. Oh it was fun. I’m not sure how any of my relationships with anyone are going to be at the carpool lane on Monday.

I got all crazy on the glitter stage and busted out my nastiest move which involves a backwards somersault into rather prone, ass in everyone’s face maneuver. There were so many parents there. Oh god.

Not a picture of me, and you can't really tell how deep and awesome the glitter is, but hopefully you get the idea. Of course glitter sticks to "moist" areas so I had glitter stuck to my inner thighs all night. Nice.

Not a picture of me, and you can’t really tell how deep and awesome the glitter is, but hopefully you get the idea. Of course glitter sticks to “moist” areas so I had glitter stuck to my inner thighs all night. Nice.

But the POLE DANCING was wicked! There was so much talent. Waeli, Melanie, Ken, Linda, Nina, Shé, Merideth, Kri, Baby Doll, who else? I can’t remember.

Some dude was like, “Wow. These women are sick! Where did you find them?”

In a pole dance studio. Duh.

Ken was on fire, as was Waeli. The two of them on the same stage is like some kind of Vertical Fusion Dream Team.

Last night was great. All the elements were good and everyone (I hope) had a fantastic time but I felt it needed about 200 more people. Given that we organized the whole thing in three weeks and got 300 people, we did well, but it was a large space.

Yes, we had Roller Dolls at the party. And a toga party. And a YMCA show. And a mass murder and exorcism.

Yes, we had Roller Dolls at the party. And a toga party. And a YMCA show. And a mass murder and exorcism.

AND last year was a smaller space and there were 450 people and it was GONZO. I like that gonzo energy, where people are crammed in and there is a rave atmosphere. Go figure, I like things crazy.

I also have to say that I worry about whether everyone is having a good time. The weight of that responsibility weighs heavily on me and takes me out of the moment. Next year I’ll be going to someone else’s party. Really.

And now I’m just trying to get back on my feet for the studio’s Halloween Showcase.

Good news, I will not be performing. Bad news, I just want to crawl into a hole.

But back to my shower.

From somewhere in the distance, “MOMMMMMMMM! MOM, MOM, MOM!!!!!”

Me: (the hell) WHAT?! I’M IN THE SHOWER!

Testiclese: (still far away) “Mwah, whah, mwah, mwah.”

Me: (yelling over the shower) “WHAT?!”

Testiclese: (Now in the bathroom and turning on the light. So much for relaxation) “It’s fray to air day.”

Me: I’M IN THE SHOWER. I CAN’T HEAR A WORD YOU ARE SAYING!

Shampoo in hair, eyes closed. Shower door opens. Goddamn it.

Me: “WHAT? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT?!”

Testiclese: “It’s crazy hair day!”

Me: (excited because he hasn’t wanted to participate in the past) “Great! What would you like to do with your hair, then?”

Testiclese: “Nothing.”

Me: “Why are you telling me right now, while I’m in the shower?”

Testiclese: “Dunno.”

No crap again today. Seriously, it was all I could do to get my shit out of bed at 7am with kids and figure out where the extra kid came from.

I’ll make it up to you.

15 thoughts on “Malicious Glitter and Urgent Communications

  1. Hahah. fun post. Great party! You were amazing–I can’t imagine setting up something so elaborate up. Thanks for having me, and just FYI, one guy asked if I was your student and if that’s where I learned to pole dance. I said, “Yes.”

  2. Viv, You really captured the spirit of your fantastic party–perhaps the photos of the Disco Ball and the dual pole dance with Dr. Ken did it best–but your narrative was perfect for the presumably insane evening! I am kicking myself for not being there and missing, perhaps, the event of a lifetime. Thanks for sharing (and I mean it). LD

  3. V, On a tangential note, I watched your Vita-Mix smoothie video careful and tried to emulate. Worked well except for one small thing. Having inserted all of the ingredients in my VM, I searched around for the lid but couldn’t find it. So, I thinks to myself, I’ll just cup my hand over the top “as best I can” and pulse the on/off switch just a tiny bit. Additional note, the VM was on a counter just next to an open drawer containing a large number of kitchen utensils, and the VM was also situated just behind a window shade with lots of little holes in it. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? An hour later I finally got to taste the smoothie. ‘Twas delicious, just as expected it would be. However, I plan to add a spoon full of oat bran and one of “ultimate meal,” and I’m considering adding kale as well just to feel even more morally superior. You know how that is. LD

    • Darling, I agree completely about my kids. And my other kid (Blue) is doing really well, too. I took him to the vet with an ear infection and he was so brave. He walked on the scary floors and even went into the exam room. Last time his exam took place on the mat at the entrance. AND he got on the scale. He’s gained 20 pounds since i got him! Woot!

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