Worst 1st Grade Party/Pole Fail Ever: Part 3

I’ve come to that moment that you have all been waiting for, the outcome of the epic pole fail.

As if I didn't torture Jacob enough. There's more. And we just met!

As if I didn’t torture Jacob enough. There’s more. And we just met!

I have been leading up to this moment all weekend because it happened on a Friday and there was no way I was going to blow my wad on the weekend, which happens to be the black hole of readership drop-off in the blogosphere. At least my blogosphere, which has been rather stagnant lately.

But SEX SELLS so hopefully this will bump my numbers, for whatever that’s worth.

The lag time gave me a chance to lovingly craft a video AND it gave Meri a chance to throw in a little “told you so.”

Screen Shot 2013-10-14 at 6.47.05 AM

Let me also point out that the pole has not been put back up because

1) I’m scared of it

2) It’s kind of nice being able to walk through the center of my living room

3) I am going to use it for the big Halloween party I am providing entertainment for, which, FYI will not include me on the pole because I just checked out a video of myself freestyling in glitter and was HORRIFIED by the condition of my abs. Fuck that.

Scrotus, the day after the failed party came downstairs and shrieked, “The pole is gone? It’s my worst nightmare come true!” That’s my boy.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A video? Priceless.

I realize that just about everything about that night was wrong, except I truly believe that Jacob got the best care possible. When you walk into an ER, you get whoever is on shift. ER doctors are great but not every single one of the rules at stitching up faces.

I happen to know for a fact that Jeff rules. You can’t even tell that his mom almost ripped off her eyelid in a bike accident. Why? Because he stitched her up on his kitchen counter. See? Proof.

Here’s proof that I am not totally ungrateful.


I’m am not completely unaware of how demanding and strange I am. I got Jeff and Sue a little token of my appreciation, with this oh-so-self-aware card.

As for the ultimate fall-out from the evening, it’s still unknown. I haven’t been back to the school. I have no idea how Jacob is doing because I JUST MET HIM AT THE FIRST GRADE MIXER! And I don’t have his number. I really, really, really hope he is doing well.

The silver lining to all of this is, I will probably never be asked to do anything for the school ever again.

PS: Cindy, I realize that lidocaine is not spelled lydocaine and I even Googled it to make sure but the correction didn’t take and I didn’t want to render the video again.

21 thoughts on “Worst 1st Grade Party/Pole Fail Ever: Part 3

    • It’s been a tough week. It’s the cumulative effect of eating party food for three days straight, pitfalls of parenthood. However, it is a state of mind. Once I get back feeling like I am taking care of myself, my body image will change.

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  2. JEFF WU ROCKS. I totally have a nurse crush on him. And a mom crush on his tiny little children. He’s a Countryside dad, which means he belongs to the larger Betty community as well…and leave it to Wu to have the goods on hand to sew a dad back together again on your kitchen table. This whole epic event has left me just a little exhausted and definitely afraid of the Pole…

  3. I don’t normally want 7 minute videos. But when I do… it’s of Viv’s friend stitching some random guy’s face.

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