It’s time for another drunk post, only I’m not drunk so you can stop tsking at what a spectacle I’m making of myself.
It was 1:30 in the A.M. when Lonny and I (and Blue) were woken up by a loud SMACK.
Blue sounded off a warning woof and I went to the window to investigate.
Me: Hey babe. Docking sequence complete.
Lonny: Really? Okay, I’ll call 911.
I threw on a robe and went outside with Blue to check out the situation. I like a little excitement.
As guessed, a car rammed headlong into my neighbor’s telephone pole.
We all live on a traffic circle, a singular nuisance to our neighborhood.
The city, in its great wisdom, installed three of them on my street in hopes of slowing down traffic. What they are is a colossal pain in the ass.
1) Nobody knows how to use them. People heading east and west on my street assume they have the right of way over the northern and southern bound, even though that isn’t the case at all. Whoever gets to the circle first has the right of way. Never mind this rule, there is lots of honking and yelling on a daily basis.
2) To that end, some people like to express their displeasure at the circle by honking every time they get to one. That’s showing the city! Thanks, from all us neighbors.
3) People no longer slow down when turning the corner, they just whip around at maximum speed rather than slowing down to see if anyone person/child/animal is crossing the street. It’s a menace. I tell my boys to cross at the alley instead, at least they can see if someone is turning or merely going through.
4) It is a great way to catch drunk drivers.
As was the case tonight, and a month ago and about every month. Someone gets wasted and speeds down my street, sees the circle at the last second and loses control. My neighbors have had their telephone pole rammed so many times.
Being the student of human nature that I am, I watched from a safe distance as the situation unfolded. Two guys piled out of the car. They hit the pole hard enough to deploy the airbags.
Drunk driver: Whoa.
Stoner Passerby: Dude, are you okay?
Drunk driver: I think so.
Stoner Passerby: Dude! You are so not okay.
Drunk driver: No really, I’m okay!
Stoner Passerby: NO! You are NOT okay!
We’re really getting somewhere now.
I don’t know why Mr. Stoner was getting all agro about it, it’s not like anyone was driving anywhere in that wrecked car.
The car was still on and smoking and the radio was blasting. Another guy came walking up.
Other Guy: There is something bad coming out of the car.
Drunk Driver: It’s fine.
Other Guy: No, it’s not fine. Get away from the car.
Drunk Driver: It’s okay.
Other Guy: Seriously, IT’S NOT OKAY! Everyone! BACK. AWAY. FROM. THE. CAR.
Me: Perhaps you could turn your car off?
Stoned passerby decided that now would be a good time to burn one down and leaned against the bumper of the smoking car to fire up a doob. Really? Aren’t the cops going to be here in a few seconds?
Three … two … one …
… and the cops arrive.
Stoned guy is now videoing the car with commentary. As the cop walks up he’s like, “Oh shit, duuude,” and zooming in on the wrecked car.
Cop: Can I see your ID?
Stoned Passerby: Why?
Cop: Is this your car?
Stoned Passerby: No, man. I’m just chillin’.
Oh my God, you idiot.
Cop: Can you please step away from the car and turn off your phone?
Stoned Passerby: Oh. Right. My bad.
Cop: I need to see some ID.
The air is heavy with pot, which is truly an accomplishment because we’re outside.
I know that pot is legal in Boulder and that’s great. But so is alcohol and you wouldn’t catch me HANGING OUT AT THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT with an open container.
Seriously, this is going to be a failed experiment if pot users don’t stop acting so cavalier about their drug use. Legal or no, they’ve got to tone it the hell down. I don’t appreciate my kids finding extremely high quality hashish on the way to school.
I mean, not that I would know.
Deciding there was nothing to see and to avoid being ID’d like everyone else nearby, I walked back inside. I was surprised that Lonny didn’t come out to investigate because he likes this kind of stuff. He was back in bed.
Me: What are you doing in bed?
Lonny: The dispatcher told me to stay inside. He said you should stay inside, too because you never know how these things play out when there are drunk people involved.
Me: Why didn’t you say something?
Lonny: I told him that you had the dog with you and everything would be okay.
Me: That’s very comforting.
Lonny: Hey! I have a great idea for your next blog. It’s called “Drunk Post” only it’s about a drunk running into a post! Get it?
Time to cut the crap.