Late Night Visitor (5796-6044)

It’s a Red Letter Day people, I did not get attacked by dogs this morning! Not unless you count getting bum rushed by a pissed off dachshund, which I don’t. Oh happy day!

And my dog finally started acting like a watch dog, for once.


Last summer I got up to walk the stupid dog when I noticed that there was someone lying face down on the dog bed in the living room. In fact, it was the same bed as the dog is lying on in the above picture. Shame.

It was a young man dressed in blue plaid shorts and a green t-shirt, much like an outfit my kids often wear. For a moment I wondered if my eyes were playing tricks on me. Did Scrotus get up early, dress and then fall asleep on Blue’s bed?

I looked again and determined that this face-down person was too large to be my son.


Since this is not an unusual occurrence (it happens at least once a year that someone stumbles in and passes out on the couch, at which time I have to quiz the housemates to see if he “belongs” to anyone) I marched back up the stairs and woke Lonny up.

Me: Babe. There’s a man asleep on the floor. Again.

Lonny: What?!

Me: Yep, there’s someone asleep on the floor and I don’t know him.

Lonny: (Jumping out of bed and assuming a karate stance) Okay. I’m on it!


Me: Don’t you think you should put some clothes on? (He was only wearing boxer briefs.)

Lonny: Nah.

Me: Should we wake up the dog?

Lonny: Sure. Why not.

Blue was crashed out on the bottom bunk with Testiclese and doing his usual snoring/farting thing. I got him up.


At least the kid is safe.

We went downstairs and I poked the guy with my foot. He looked around and jumped to his feet. He was all, WHOA! WHOA! Where am I?

I forget his name but he was young, got wasted and then stumbled into our house. I asked him if he needed to use the phone or had somewhere to go. Blue very savagely walked up to him and leaned against his thighs to receive some pets.

“Your dog is awesome!”

“Gee, thanks. Good thing you didn’t wake him up last night.”

We sent him on his way with a word of caution, people have been shot for accidentally walking into houses in the middle of the night. In Boulder.


Not that I would; I would never own a gun. I also believe it is more civilized to turn on the light and see who is in your house before killing them. Call me a bleeding heart liberal.

Anyway, I only have two regrets about the situation.

1) He was sleeping so hard that I could have set up my camera, put Lonny in one of our Mexican wrestling masks and had Blue wake him up. Then I could have videoed him shitting a brick and it would have been the funniest youtube post ever. Alas, a missed opportunity. I was a nascent blogger at the time and wasn’t yet completely obsessed with capturing “bloggable” moments.

2) I feel like I should have taken a little more care of him. He was very young and he left the house confused and probably still drunk. Some breakfast and a whole lotta water would have been a good call.

I hope my boys will never do something idiotic like that when they become of age. However, they very well might. We live in a society that is lousy with guns and rife with people looking to escalate a situation. I would hope that if they did pull a stupid stunt like that, there would be a nice motherly type who would take care of them, just a little.

At least so they could make it home and give me a chance to tear them a new one for being so stupid.

But last night Blue was downstairs and started growling and barking around 2:30 AM. It wasn’t his best work, it was his little girly bark he does when he’s been woken from a deep sleep, not the menacing basso profundo that I believe is more effective at keeping randos away.

Lonny went downstairs to check it out and found the door cracked open, he must have forgotten to lock it after Blue’s midnight constitutional. He said he had heard a voice, too, before Blue started yapping. Who knows what happened but I think that someone tried to come in (probably lost and confused) and Blue told them to move along.

Good dog.

Time to cut the crap.

My dad and step-mom are coming in town today (Woot!) and I intend on getting very drunk with them tonight.

My dad likes to be extra demanding at restaurants, insisting that he’s being cute and the waitresses find him amusing.

Naturally, I am mortified because 1) he’s my dad and it is a child’s (even a grown one’s) lot in life to be embarrassed by her parents, and 2) I live in a world where I doubt the worthiness of my existence. It would never occur to me to ask for more than what is offered.

But you know what? I should be a little bit more assertive so I’m going to swill some wine and watch the master at work. I may or may not get anything done tomorrow.

8 thoughts on “Late Night Visitor (5796-6044)

  1. Viv, Love your blog! New follower here, for real. Found it while reading Readers Digest article or “pooper’s digest” as my kids call it! It saved me from being totally bored while I was sick in bed over Labor Day weekend. Sorry, but I am reading (stalking) it from the very beginning. I think I am up to May 2013 so far! Best blog ever. Keep up the good times. I am trying to have more allow for more fun and chaos in my life, you are truly and inspiration!!

    • Oh my God! I love you! Thanks for reading and being so psyched, it totally makes my day. And FYI, if you have a tablet, you can read me sitting on the can, too!

  2. I love how much computer crap you throw away. We recently cleaned out our office and it was amazing how many floppy disks and old (hello 1998!!) Windows install disks we had! I’m pretty sure we had more than one AOL install disks…we’ve never used AOL for internet. I thought my husband was going to cry when I just kept saying ‘trash, trash, trash’ to everything he held up! Lol!

      • I figure if we haven’t used it in 5+ years and/or there have been 3 newer releases then it has no business in my house! I told him he could donate it along with the ‘bonus’ monitor that weighs 300lbs and the ‘bonus’ printer that they don’t even make ink for anymore! I don’t know what it is about computer guys and all that crap, but I need more room for my pole 😉

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