And the Winner of the Giant Veg Contest Is … (5727-5766)


Today is a post about minutia, and other things. I’m going to start with my vegetable garden. I can’t get anything to grow big.

Well, not everything. The tomatoes do fine (provided the Devil Squirrel doesn’t get it first) and our greens are pretty happy. But peppers and eggplants? Forget it.

bigveg

It doesn’t help that on my morning walks there is a garden installation on the outlawn of the property and their boxes are bursting with vegetables. You should see their tomato plants!

They had zucchini and cucumbers lined up near the sidewalk which I could only interpret as an invitation to help myself.

Realbigveg

After I passed this bountiful veggie patch at o-dark-hundred I saw a door open and two GINORMOUS St. Bernards came barreling out of the house.

bigdog

I know, I know, they aren’t exactly scary looking but they collectively are at least 300 pounds of dog flesh barreling at me and my dog. Throw in a little leash aggression and I’m kind of pooping my pants.

I was on the phone (don’t be friends with me, I call very early) and I said, “Hang on a sec. I’m about to be attacked by dogs.” and then started yelling (nicely),

HELLO?! ST. BERNARD OWNER! COULD YOU PLEASE COME OUT HERE AND CALL YOUR DOGS. HELP?

The owner came out and pulled his dogs back and I ran up the street as fast as I could while trying to continue my conversation. That’s me.

Also of note, I made a couple more dresses out of that fabric I bought. I was on a roll. It’s my way of rolling with global warming. If it’s going to be a bazillion degrees out, I’m going to get on board and make some more sun dresses rather than pine for my boots and sweaters.

I swanned around in them, hoping to annoy Lonny. Since I made two in one day, I changed into a different one in the evening.

He was like, “Nice dress. Um. It’s new, right? You made it this morning.”

“Yes, it’s new. But it’s a different one than I made this morning. I just finished this one.”

“Oh. I like it. It looks a lot like the one you were wearing this morning.”

Uh huh.

dresses

I can see how he didn’t notice the difference.

Why do I even try?

When he jumped in the shower with me and proceeded to irritate me by turning the temperature down, I took out my razor and shaved a patch of his belly. You wouldn’t believe how long it took him to notice what I was doing.

shaved

Lonny: Hey! What are you doing?!

Me: Revenge for not noticing the dresses I made.

Lonny: You know, you could shave other parts of me, if that’s what you’re into.

Me: Ew! No! Get out of my shower!

Time to cut the crap.

7 thoughts on “And the Winner of the Giant Veg Contest Is … (5727-5766)

  1. Yes, “Girl, you lookin’ fiiiine” (sp?). But what happened to that other dress you wrote about, the one with the deco feather pattern and nice boob reveal? p.s & BTW, how come you get to italicize stuff here but not me? Or us? i.e. THOSE OF US WHO MUST RESORT TO ALL CAPS FOR NUANCED SELF-EXPRESSION. Like so…

  2. Pingback: Somebody Give Me A Motherf*@ing Medal (6293-6320) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  3. Pingback: What I Need is a Cat Condo | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

Really? No way.

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