4 Reasons Why I’m Mad At Lonny and the World (5590-5614)


Here is why I am mad at Lonny, and the world, today.

This annoys me. It's a green zebra tomato, eaten by the bushy tailed vermin, AKA Squirrel, at the peak of ripeness. I HATE YOU!

This annoys me. It’s a green zebra tomato, eaten by the bushy tailed vermin, AKA Squirrel, at the peak of ripeness. I HATE YOU!

1) I was walking the dog at 5 in the morning because a) he’s an asshole and apparently that’s when assholes get up, b) it is hotter than fuck once the sun rises, and c) it is unlikely I’ll encounter anyone else that early in the morning, thus avoiding doggy confrontations. Although I did run into Hot For Teacher (hi!) who was walking her dog, too.

So I’m walking my dog and I’ve got him tethered to my waist because I don’t want him bolting after a deer or a raccoon when three dogs come barreling out of a house and bum rush us. Now if I had simply been holding the leash I would have dropped it and run. But since I was attached to a potential doggy clusterfuck, I kind of freaked. But I was super polite. I yelled (politely), “Help! Could you please call your dogs? Oh no! Please, nooooo!”

So I’m mad about that, but it isn’t really Lonny’s fault but life is rarely fair.

dogs

2) I got home a little late and the boys were way behind schedule. I asked Lonny to make them breakfast while I took a shower and I came downstairs to find Lonny making himself breakfast while the boys were god knows where. I was like, “What are you doing? We have to leave in 15 minutes! Feed the boys first, then feed yourself after you get back!” Duh.

funny-pictures-cat-calls-you-stupid1

3) He was like, “Oh, well, I’ve already got the ham in the pan, let me just fry an egg up for myself,” and proceeded to crack open the double yolker I was saving for a special occasion. I realized too late what was happening and was like, “NO, NO, NO!” and he was like, “What?!” and I was like, “It’s a double yolker! You can’t just eat one for breakfast. There needs to be ceremony! Gravitas!” and he was all, “I didn’t know! It was  white!” and I was like, “YOU NEED TO CONFRONT YOUR PREJUDICES!”

whiteeggs

I became that otherwise oblivious person who adopts a child of color (is that PC, can I say that?) and suddenly becomes all racially sensitive and in your face about it. Let’s just say I’ve encountered this kind of person before.

He had no right!

He had no right!

And that’s why I’m mad at Lonny. But I decided to get over it and I made a dress just for him, in that I selected fabric that looked like feathers and I figured that would make him happy because he’s never met a bird he didn’t like.

newdress

He went off to the 50% off sale at the Salvation Army and was gone for HOURS so I had to ask Minion to help me with the straps which totally freaked him out but he did a good job even though they did end up a little too long and The Norwegian Nanny was like, “Let me adjust your straps, I can totally see your boobs.”

The Norwegian Nanny. Wildest Dream or Worst Nightmare, depending on who you are.

The Norwegian Nanny. Wildest Dream or Worst Nightmare, depending on who you are.

Humph. She didn’t seem to have any problems with my boobs when I was shoving them into her face at the lap dance class. Some people compartmentalize way too much.

I blame myself. I should have told him to crank harder on them.

When Lonny finally got home I swanned around in my dress (which took the record short time of 3 hours, start to finish, to make and I didn’t have to unpick a single stitch, yay me!) and he didn’t notice.

boobs

So I said, “Don’t you notice anything different about me?”

And he was, “Uh, nooooo.”

And I said, “I made a new dress, stupid.”

And he tried to save his sorry ass by saying, “Oh, I noticed your new dress but I didn’t know if it was one of those new dresses you’ve been wearing for years but I failed to notice.”

Staying calm I said, “I just finished it and I had you in mind. See? Feathers!”

Lonny: “Those don’t look like feathers.

Minion (joining in): “I agree, they don’t look like feathers.”

Me: Yes they do, you stupid fuckers.

Minion: They look like scales.

Lonny: Or stained glass.

Me: God! Shut up! I hate you both!

Fortunately I can exorcise my hatred by sewing some more. I picked up this fabric yesterday at a sale. I’m sticking with known quantities these days. I will only make a pattern I’ve made before.

Made with love. Yah, right.

Made with love. Yah, right.

Time to cut the crap.

Today wasn’t that bountiful, but I pulled up a bunch of Flor Carpet Tiles, which I now officially loathe. God, what a complete and utter pain in the ass. Not only are they overpriced, they ruin your hardwood floors. What more could anyone want? Everything is irritating me!

GODDAMN IT! I meant to schedule this to post on the 31st but instead it posted right now. Now I have to make up a BS post for tomorrow or else I’ll have a gap in my calendar. My first world problems are killing meeeee!!!!

19 thoughts on “4 Reasons Why I’m Mad At Lonny and the World (5590-5614)

  1. LOL. I think I know where all the stuff keeps coming from … “He went off to the 50% off sale at the Salvation Army and was gone for HOURS…” Does he go buy back all the stuff you have donated??

  2. Your photo at the top of this post is why I call squirrels black eyed bastards from hell. They also like to dig up my flower bulbs, take one huge bite out of them, and then leave them where I am sure to step on them, roll my ankle and break a leg. Hate them, the fuckers.

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  5. 1) I burst out laughing reading this.
    2) Is it me, or is #4 missing?
    3) LOVE the feather dress, because they look like stained glass ones.

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