I knew that today was going to be awesome from the moment I cracked open the egg for the boys’ breakfast.
It’s a double yolker and from one of the new girls! I wasn’t expecting it because it was a white egg and I’m prejudiced against white eggs. I’m a reverse racist when it comes to eggs. But people can change!
In my heart I truly believe that blue and pink and brown eggs are superior, but my Leghorn proved me wrong. Woot!
It set the stage perfectly for the most excellent message on my phone. My insurance agent called to tell me that she accidentally dropped a discount we qualified for. As a result, I have about $1000 in refunds coming in the mail. Woot, woot!
She left her number just in case I had any questions. Naturally I called her immediately.
“State Farm Insurance, this is Kristen.”
“I love you.”
“This is Vivienne! I got your message about the refund.”
“Oh my God. I really needed to hear that! I’ve had the worst day. Thank you!”
“No … Thank You!”
Sometimes things work out for everyone.
Then my son came home with this head scratcher in his homework folder.
Me: Hey Testiclese. What’s this a picture of?
Testiclese: It’s two monsters standing on a rock.
Me: Is that a pole on the rock?
Testiclese: (sigh) No.
Me: Are you sure? Because it looks like they are pole dancing.
Testiclese: No mom. It’s a rock hanging from a rope. Duh.
Just once I wish my boys would take an interest in the things I do. Time to cut the crap.
It your message is so important, then why don’t you call their mobile phone? You don’t have a mobile phone? These will be waiting for you at the Salvation Army. DONATE.
Lonny was all, “I love these tapes.” Youtube? Spotify? Pandora? Heard of them? TRASH.
I have tiny little eyelashes that no amount of mascara can help. I thought about using Lastisse for about two seconds but really? Who in their right mind would use something that can change your eye color? Permanently! It doesn’t matter that my eyes are already brown, doesn’t that raise a red flag? DONATE.
Do you think Hoyel has the rules for Angry Birds?
24 first person shooter and defunct computer games. TRASH.
Who wants it?
Cool huh? Lonny says he’s been saving it for Terra but she’s probably too busy playing ping pong with Prince on tour. Maybe I’ll mail it to her so she can have a little surprise when she gets home.
Documentation for computers we don’t have. RECYCLE.
Lonny is keeping “A Man Of Zen” because he says he loves this book. Okay. The other one is DONATE.
Lonny was like, “Oh, this is a high quality VHS tape.” Oxymoron. DONATE.
Tub of screws. I want to donate it or something but I have the sneaking sensation that Lonny stashed it in the garage when I turned my back.
Busted cat collar (Frank is HIS OWN CAT), an old calendar and a Kobe Tai interactive DVD that a roommate stole the disc out of. You know who you are.
We have dozens (no joke) of these. Lonny compulsively collects them. He’s giving them and a bunch of Scrabble games to a teacher who says he uses them in class. Okay.
Old NYTimes Magazine. RECYCLE.
I’m sorry if this offends you, but I don’t think there is anything more idiotic than buying bottled water. At least in Boulder where the tap water is delicious! This stuff is a hoot. You pour water from “Norway” (probably Norway, MI) into a shampoo bottle and laugh your way to the bank. RECYCLE.
Pot lid. TRASH.
Empty box. RECYCLE.
Another used toothbrush. TRASH.
These came with double sided mounting squares that stick like crazy to the wall but not to the cork. My Sexy Assistant and I took them off the boys’ wall and replaced them with magnetic strips. DONATE.
Ever heard of the internet?
You can use this stuff to insulate your tent at Burning Man, man. TRASH.
I’m trying to go paperless so I won’t be needing this.
Hi, My name is … Cut the Crap. DONATE.