I knew that today was going to be awesome from the moment I cracked open the egg for the boys’ breakfast.
It’s a double yolker and from one of the new girls! I wasn’t expecting it because it was a white egg and I’m prejudiced against white eggs. I’m a reverse racist when it comes to eggs. But people can change!
In my heart I truly believe that blue and pink and brown eggs are superior, but my Leghorn proved me wrong. Woot!
It set the stage perfectly for the most excellent message on my phone. My insurance agent called to tell me that she accidentally dropped a discount we qualified for. As a result, I have about $1000 in refunds coming in the mail. Woot, woot!
She left her number just in case I had any questions. Naturally I called her immediately.
“State Farm Insurance, this is Kristen.”
“Hi.”
“Hello?”
“I love you.”
“Um”
“This is Vivienne! I got your message about the refund.”
“Oh my God. I really needed to hear that! I’ve had the worst day. Thank you!”
“No … Thank You!”
Sometimes things work out for everyone.
Then my son came home with this head scratcher in his homework folder.
Me: Hey Testiclese. What’s this a picture of?
Testiclese: It’s two monsters standing on a rock.
Me: Is that a pole on the rock?
Testiclese: (sigh) No.
Me: Are you sure? Because it looks like they are pole dancing.
Testiclese: No mom. It’s a rock hanging from a rope. Duh.
Just once I wish my boys would take an interest in the things I do. Time to cut the crap.
I have tiny little eyelashes that no amount of mascara can help. I thought about using Lastisse for about two seconds but really? Who in their right mind would use something that can change your eye color? Permanently! It doesn’t matter that my eyes are already brown, doesn’t that raise a red flag? DONATE.
Another used toothbrush. TRASH.
TRASH.
Hi, My name is … Cut the Crap. DONATE.
I’m trying to go paperless so I won’t be needing this.
Old NYTimes Magazine. RECYCLE.
Lonny is keeping “A Man Of Zen” because he says he loves this book. Okay. The other one is DONATE.
DONATE.
Documentation for computers we don’t have. RECYCLE.
Who wants it?
It your message is so important, then why don’t you call their mobile phone? You don’t have a mobile phone? These will be waiting for you at the Salvation Army. DONATE.
Lonny was all, “I love these tapes.” Youtube? Spotify? Pandora? Heard of them? TRASH.
DONATE.
Ever heard of the internet?
We have dozens (no joke) of these. Lonny compulsively collects them. He’s giving them and a bunch of Scrabble games to a teacher who says he uses them in class. Okay.
TRASH.
Lonny was like, “Oh, this is a high quality VHS tape.” Oxymoron. DONATE.
TRASH.
Pot lid. TRASH.
These came with double sided mounting squares that stick like crazy to the wall but not to the cork. My Sexy Assistant and I took them off the boys’ wall and replaced them with magnetic strips. DONATE.
You can use this stuff to insulate your tent at Burning Man, man. TRASH.
24 first person shooter and defunct computer games. TRASH.
Busted cat collar (Frank is HIS OWN CAT), an old calendar and a Kobe Tai interactive DVD that a roommate stole the disc out of. You know who you are.
Tub of screws. I want to donate it or something but I have the sneaking sensation that Lonny stashed it in the garage when I turned my back.
Taun Taun.
Empty box. RECYCLE.
I’m sorry if this offends you, but I don’t think there is anything more idiotic than buying bottled water. At least in Boulder where the tap water is delicious! This stuff is a hoot. You pour water from “Norway” (probably Norway, MI) into a shampoo bottle and laugh your way to the bank. RECYCLE.
DONATE.
Do you think Hoyel has the rules for Angry Birds?
Cool huh? Lonny says he’s been saving it for Terra but she’s probably too busy playing ping pong with Prince on tour. Maybe I’ll mail it to her so she can have a little surprise when she gets home.
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Thats def a pole dancer in that picture. Its his psyche.
Well that’s a relief. Walkies tomorrow?
I love the pole dancing monsters. That’s no rock. 😉
Yep. That’s an x-stage if I’ve ever seen one. They do feel like rocks, though.
Ok, yes its a pole but I’m concerned that the dancers are one-eyed monsters. 😉
You asked for it!
True! Perfect for our next showcase!
One eyed monsters and sausage parties. Who has a house full of boys?
I’ve never in my life experienced a double yoker in person. And we were getting 12 eggs everyday over the summer – WTF! You have all the luck! I’m racist again white eggs too. So boring.
I was thinking about you guys. I can’t wait for the big day! Coming soon! You need new layers to get double yolkers. Once the ladies mature into laying, they become more regular and boring. I yelled at Lonny today because he inadvertently cracked open a double without my permission. Grr.
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NOoooooooo!!!! I want the FFVII game guide. It’s VINTAGE because it was EIDOS on it! (Not Squaresoft!)
Huh? What?
I take it you somehow acquired it? It’s a game … A great game.
Heather! What are you saying? You are speaking some kind of bro language I don’t understand!
Hahahaha ha we should be friends. ‘Nuff said.
Oops, AND Squaresoft.