A funny thing happened on my walk this morning. Dan Savage, my favorite relationship and sex advice columnist, had an expert on menstruation speak on his show. Later that morning at coffee I saw a “menu” from a nearby spa that offered Moon Time Treatments.
But you get it, right? $155 to soak your feet in a magnesium bath? If I really am magnesium deficient, are my feet really the best means of delivery? How about eating some almonds, or spinach or, what?! COCOA. Just sayin’.
And if my female reproductive organs really need to be stimulated, perhaps a foot massage (not that I have anything against foot massages) isn’t the best thing. But in my personal experience that time of the month isn’t about my uterus needing more stimulation, it needs less. As in, don’t touch me or argue about whether we should get rid of pamphlets.
Heavy fennel packs on my lower back to soothe my pelvic region? You’ve got the wrong side, bub. Does my menstrual cycle disrupt my complexion (thankfully no) but a $95 organic facial? That sounds like something else to me, at least that’s what Lonny calls it.
So for $155 I get to soak my feet in warm water, have a 20 minute foot rub, lay there with something on my back, drink a cup of tea, and get a 60 minute massage.
I can soak my feet for free, ditto with the tea, ditto with lying there on my face with a hot compress I zapped in the microwave and I can get a Groupon for a 60 minute massage for about $35 or I can whine until Tabby gives me one for free. Lonny will thrown in the facial. No charge.
I dunno. I’m not squeamish about my period but I’d also rather that people not know about it.
Except for now.
I’m having my period and I just got into a humdinger of an argument with Lonny. Unfortunately My Sexy Assistant got to witness the ugliness but lucky for me she was there because she came over and massaged my shoulders and agreed that he was being unreasonable and she’s on my side because I have better ideas than him.
Still, I did say Fuck and Fucking and Fuck It a lot which is not the best way to settle a dispute. I blame Captain Bloodsnatch. It’s off to the red tent for me!
Seriously, if I had a menstrual hut I’d be having my period all the time because I’d be all, I’M UNCLEAN AND NOT FIT TO PREPARE FOOD OR DO HOUSEHOLD CHORES! So sayeth Leviticus.
I get a little touchy.
Time to cut the crap.