Things That Make Me Cringe (5381-5422)


It’s been a cringe-worthy day but we had an awesome weekend! That eating and sleeping and no kids for the night thing is like the friggin’ Marital Fountain of Youth!

Lonny and I dumped delivered our kids to their respective sleep-over locales (thanks Jen and Pamcakes!) and then enjoyed a leisurely 18 hours of happy-hour, grown-up parties and brunch. Interestingly enough, I wasn’t at all annoyed with Lonny. Not even once. Go ahead and say it, because we’re all thinking it, kids ruin marriages.

But not really.

Okay, maybe sometimes.

We can all agree that breaks are good. Surely they get sick of me, too.

IMG_4449

Don’t we look happy? We are.

But real life must intervene and I’m back to the less food/sleep more hunger/irritation thing that my system is accustomed to.

Speaking of irritating, here are some things that really make me cringe. First off, this made it into my in-box. I don’t know how it got there.

I’m not big on Miley Cyrus fan but I’m HUGE on schadenfreude. I’m not one to avert my eyes when the fabulously wealthy yet marginally talented fall on their faces, but I saw this and just felt sorry for the poor girl. I’ve had buckets of lapses in judgement but nothing quite as embarrassing and public as this one. These days you can’t fuck up without it haunting you forever.

I think of the things I’ve done and I cringe. Fortunately I only have my friends there to remind me about them. Not the whole damn interwebs. Yikes.

The second thing is this garbage can which I have gotten rid of. Lonny acts like a princess every time he empties it because it violates his precious ears. I’ve rather harshly told him to pull up his panties and empty the damn can.

He demanded I video his demonstration and upon viewing it, I must admit that he’s right. It’s horrible.

Next up: bugs. The boys are really into beetles and have left no stone in our garden unturned in search of good ones. In general, they have been garden variety.

Today on my dawn walk with the dumb dog, I saw this behemoth in the middle of the road.

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I didn’t want to touch it. I took a picture to show the boys but I knew they would never forgive me for leaving it there.

I diverted traffic so I could get it onto a stick and walk it home. A half mile.

The first part was okay because it stayed put and I thought, Okay, this isn’t so bad. But then the thing started moving and the stick I had was kind of small (3 inches?) and it kept moving towards me and trying to crawl to the underside of the stick and falling off so I have to stop and coax it back on without touching it.

Meanwhile I’ve got my stupid dog tied to my waist and he has to poop which means I have to clean it up and I’m holding a stick with a giant bug on it and constantly rotating and switching grips on it because now it’s mad and is clicking at me and the fucker bites!

Beetle

But I got it home. Yuck. The boys thanked me, though. A proper thanks, not a prompted one recited in a monotone through gritted teeth. I’ll take what I can get.

And lastly, stupid branding makes me cringe. I hate energy bars. I think they all taste horrible and are the equivalent of candy no matter what the claim is: gluten free, nutritious, low glycemic Index, vegan, raw, non-GMO, Zone, Paleo, Atkins, whatever. It’s not food.

Wow, that was a high-horse.

I saw this food-like substance/bar thingy at REI. What a head scratcher.

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The definition of brap, according to the Urban Dictionary:

The volume rating of a fart (Bp) governed by three variables;- rectal pressure (r), buttock friction (f) and sprouts consumed (SpC). Buttock friction (f) can be reduced to zero by pulling the ringpiece open wide during emission.
“My word said the vicar, that anal exclamation was right off the brapometer”
Who was the branding genius who named something that you are supposed to put in your mouth with something that comes back up out your ass?
Time to cut the crap.IMG_4458
 

9 thoughts on “Things That Make Me Cringe (5381-5422)

  1. That beetle is the reason I never had kids, right there. Because I know what lengths I go through for my dog, I totally would have hauled that thing home too. *shudder* (clicking and biting… eeeewwww!)

    Also, Lonny totally called it on the can.

  2. I hate all energy bars, too. They taste like cardboard which I did chew a time or two. Where is the beetle now? He/she is at the top of the Cut the Crap photo collage but I don’t want to assume anything.

    • True that! If you want a candy bar, eat a candy bar, but only every now and then. But don’t eat an “energy” bar every day and kid yourself into thinking it’s food.

  3. If you haven’t already gotten rid of the dishes, I would love them! My favorite color! 🙂

    Sent from my iPad

Really? No way.

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