Ham Phone (5049-5110)

Jefé told me about the best prank ever, it’s called Ham Phone.

You sneak someone’s mobile phone and when they aren’t looking, you remove the battery, place a super thin slice of deli ham (although any meat will work) under the battery but not covering up the conduits. Then replace the battery and the cover and wait.


Pretty soon the heat of the battery and the moist, sealed environment will have that baby stinking to high heaven, especially when it’s next to the user’s face. Here’s the genius part, when they take the cover off the phone, it will look normal. Most people won’t think to look under the battery.

Unfortunately the advent of smart-phones has rendered Ham Phone impossible because most of them have sealed covers. Alas, I never got the chance to use it on a friend of mine who is the worst mobile phone abuser ever.

It doesn’t matter where you are or what you are talking about, if that phone rings, he’s gonna answer it. And he’ll probably strand you at the bar as he goes outside to talk in private. He might leave altogether and stick you with the bill. It’s happened.


He was the prime candidate for Ham Phone. Alas, I never had my revenge. And I LOVE revenge. Hear that, creepy ex-flame?

But I think someone did the Ham Phone to my car!

We went on our end of summer camping trip which was a little disappointing. It’s a long ass drive (4 hours) to a hot spring that Lonny and I have been going to from back in our red-hot courting days.


Needless to say it has changed a lot since we had kids. We used to go with a friend of mine and her kids, which was really fun but she and I fell out and I’m sad to say that with my kids and without her, it has lost the magic. But we persist.


It’s been so hectic recently with the studio opening last weekend and an open house happening this weekend and school starting next week (THANK GOD) a mid-week trip was the best we could do.

Lonny insisted that we go so we could enjoy the Perseid meteor shower. It’s a great  place to get away from the light pollution of the city and float in warm spring water as the sky lights up with meteors.


I found it a struggle to relax. Getting out of town, even for a day, is stressful especially when I have a dog to think about and all the stuff that needs to be attended to when I return. And the kids are annoying the shit out of me.


Look who’s here! Actually, not quite, but that would have been intense. He’s coming to Denver in October. Don’t miss it!

Of course there would be a flier for tantric sex and this fucking freak.

There have been a lot of changes to the hot spring since we were there last year. They added the Apple Pool, presumably because it is among apple trees. They were doing some maintenance on it when we got there so the kids didn’t have a chance to get in, but they completely fixated on it.

We ate dinner and settled into a pool that with an unobstructed view of the night sky and all the kids could do was squawk about the Apple Pool. It was Apple Pool this, Apple Pool that, and I just wanted to look for some friggin’ meteors.

My guess is that they thought there was something magical about the Apple Pool but there was nothing magical about looking at trees obstructing the sky when you are trying to see a meteor shower. WE’LL CHECK IT OUT IN THE MORNING GODDAMN IT!!!

Of course I repeatedly tried to explain this but to no avail. I didn’t feel particularly inclined to hike to the Apple Pool and freeze my ass off to prove a point. So there was some grumbling and angry under-the-breath-muttering on my part.

Then Lonny got all over me for being a grouch about everything and maybe I should just go back to the tent if I was going to be such a spoilsport. And he was right, I was being a  grouch. Camping kind of makes me grouchy. It’s a shitload of work, I’m tired, and everything is done with impatient kids yapping at me to go faster. It’s not my idea of fun right now.

You know what does sound like fun? That place I went with Cushie that had a butler and $27 margs.

Anyway, my “reward” for this ordeal was I finally got to clean my car. I’ve been putting it off forever because why put any effort into it if I’m just going to go camping and ruin it? I’ve been waiting for this moment.

Plus, I think someone Ham Phoned it. Or Ham Carred. Whatever. Jefé?

It has a really bad smell when I first get in. It airs out soon enough but comes back the next time I close it up for a few hours.

I’ve searched for that package of raw chicken that fell out of the grocery bag, or maybe a half drunk milk box that is sitting in a seat pocket somewhere. But no. I can’t figure out where it’s coming from.

The Car Guys say that all you can do when your car has a mystery smell is to air the shit out of it and sell it to someone you don’t know.

So we got home from camping and I unloaded everything. Lonny wanted to power wash it there but I was like, “Please don’t take this moment from me.”



In retrospect I think I missed an opportunity. I could have waiting for Shé to show up for work tomorrow and ordered asked her nicely to do it for double pay. In her undies. While I drink a margarita and watch.

I didn’t want to deal with digging stuff out of the garage today. I wanted to go to a self-serve carwash and do it right. By myself. I have endured a summer of feeling like a fucking loser every time someone gets into my car because there is dog hair and dirt and crumbs and bits of wood and dust everywhere.

This is my moment and I got half of it.

I ended up taking Testiclese because he and his brother are sick-and-fucking-tired of each other and all they do is bicker. I felt a pang of sympathy for Lonny as I watched him try to break up some idiotic argument while attempting to catch up on his eBay email. I sent Scrotus to the showers and took Testy with me.

I hoped that pulling all the mats out and removing absolutely everything from the car (coins, pens, side pocket stuff, everything) would unearth that misplaced tuna sandwich. But no. Hopefully there was something funky in the mats and power washing them will do the trick. Otherwise, does anyone want to buy a minivan?

Time to cut the crap.

Even though I was “on vacation” (hahahahahahaha) I still managed to kick some shit to the curb.

HarlequinThis is Harlequin dinner wear, of similar vintage as Fiesta Ware. Lonny used them for years but we boxed them up once I started making our own dishes. They’ve been sitting in the basement for quite some time. It’s a total pain in the ass to sell ceramics on eBay, the shipping is a compete nightmare. I held back the collectible pieces and we donated the rest to the hot spring’s community house. Lonny has been going for 30 years, he wanted to give back, even though this stuff is waaaay too nice for that place.

Shé asked me what the numbers in parenthesis are in the title of the post. I thought it was obvious, but maybe it isn’t. The numbers stand for how much I got rid of today. A running tally, if you will. As of today I’ve purged 5110 items. Booyah!

2 thoughts on “Ham Phone (5049-5110)

  1. Hello, I’ve been reading your blog ever since jiggly bits mentioned you. Just wanted to tell you: a. your blog is an entertaining read, I love your attitude. b. the numbers in parentheses are self explanatory enough that this reader knew what they mean. Keep it up, maybe one day my lazy ass will be inspired enough to cut the crap, too.

    • Thanks for finding and following me! I hope one day to feature pictures of other people’s crap on my blog as a side bar. I think it would be hilarious! You could be the first …

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