Final Destination Chicken (4839-4854)

I tune out about 90 percent of everything my kids scream at me. Why? Because they make no distinction between something merely of interest and a bona fide emergency.

After the bazillionth “MOMOMOMOMOMOM!” screamed at me because someone found a doodlebug, or the dog fell over or something idiotic happened on Phineas and Ferb, I’m pretty slow to react.

Today, for the bazillion-and-first time I heard MOMOMOMOMOM closing fast from outside. Testiclese ran in with tears in his eyes and he was wailing, “A chicken died!” (Tabby! Don’t freak out! An actual chicken, not your dog.)

Lonny is bonding with Chicken. The ALIVE Chicken ... dog.

Lonny is bonding with Chicken by giving him a bath. The ALIVE Chicken … dog.

Just for scale, here’s Lonny bathing our dog.


Not quite the same process.

I dropped everything and ran to the coop and sure enough, there was a dead chicken. Dead as a doornail.

It was one of our younger ladies, Usein Bolt, to be specific, because she was so fast. I’m not sure what did her in but she appeared to die of natural causes. Lonny buried her and said that she felt “very heavy” which makes me suspect she died of egg blockage, not unusual for new layers.

I have a theory about her death. I think she’s the Final Destination Chicken.


In a nutshell (for the uninitiated in the ways of the teenage panty murder genre) a group of nubile teenagers (natch) get kicked off a flight that ends up crashing and killing all the passengers. They cheated death. But you can’t cheat Death and Death offs them one-by-one in creative ways that involve girls in panties.

Yep. You're gonna die.

Yep. You’re gonna die.

How does this relate to my dead chicken? Good question.

Bolt was a gift from Shawn and Rachel. She came from a clutch of eggs laid in November. Rachel thought the chicks died (cheat #1), it being winter and them being out of sight. She was surprised when they showed up in the spring. She came with another chick that turned out to be a rooster and had to “go to the country” (cheat #2) and then avoided the Black Forest Fire that burned down Shawn and Rachel’s house and destroyed their property (cheat #3).

Death by cold, death by virtue of being an obnoxious rooster, death by fire; all failed attempts. But when your time is up, your time is up.

Rest in peace, Bolt.

Time to cut the crap.

4 thoughts on “Final Destination Chicken (4839-4854)

  1. ROFL Love the crap you tossed today. Condoms, whitestrips, Maxim and random bottles. Loving the expiration of 1992, though! 🙂

  2. Pingback: Chicken Coops, Little Free Libraries, and Doing Whatever I Want | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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