Doggy Diaper (4799-4809)

Hey, guess what? The English Patient is peeing all over my house!

Fucker.

I felt bad about calling Tabby to see if she could find someone else to take him but she would have been mad at me if I hadn’t. She said someone “requested is presence” (idiot) but she didn’t want to leave him with someone she didn’t know well because of his snakebitten condition.

I assured her that he was going to survive. I mean, if he’s well enough to mark his territory, he’s well enough to tough it out in a new house.

Places The English Patient has marked: litter box, outgoing mail pile, foam roller, Legos, the sun room, my watercolor pad, Lonny’s beer (!), the radiator, a box of stuff I’m donating, Blue’s bed, the trash can, the cabinets, the couch, and those are only the places I know about. Something had to be done.

Tabby thought that he was marking because he was fighting with The Dictator. She arranged for someone to pick up Rosemary’s Baby.

Me: What?! I want him to take The English Patient!

Tabby: I know, but I don’t want him to go that house, they have lots of kids.

Me: Put he’s the one who peeeeeeees!!!

Tabby: Hopefully he’ll stop with The Dictator out of the picture.

Me: I hope so.

Fingers crossed, right?

No dice. The little shit is still peeing everywhere so today I made this lovely garment for him.

Blue is disgusted.

Blue is disgusted and The English Patient should be ashamed, if he had any.

It’s not 100% effective because he walks on his front legs and works the thing past his wiener but it was worth a try. Plus, he’s fun to dress up, which is why these dogs even exist despite their vicious personalities and bad attitudes.

Speaking of dress-up…

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How you doin’?

Shé stopped by and I ordered asked her to put on sexy lingerie so I could take pictures of the, er, dog.

At least the house is quieter without The Dictator around. He’s yaptastic.

AND Casey found (stepped on) a turd behind the couch that looked too big to come out of The English Patient but too small to come out of Blue. So at least I have that going for me. The pooper is gone.

Let me just say that I walk those dogs all the fucking time. The Dictator went on 5 mile walks every morning with me and Blue. Both small dogs got walked at least every 20 minutes because the boys are psyched to have dogs small enough for them to handle on leash. So the only possible reason why they are shitting and pissing all over my house is because they hate me. Why? WHY?!

Time to cut the crap.

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Do you know what irritates me? When it takes too long to make a margarita. Lonny picks up quality citrus juicers whenever he sees them. I’m giving this one to Harmy so I can get my margs on the double when I visit.

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Stupid melasma cream that doesn’t work and spare buttons that came with the boys’ shirts. That’s the kind of thing I hold onto forever. Why do manufacturers even bother? I’d say 99% of the population can’t even sew a button on, much less find the inclination to do so to a child’s shirt that they’ll grow out of in less than six months. TRASH.

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I’m throwing this tiny animal in the trash as a symbolic act of defiance.

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Plastic to-go containers. RECYCLE.

18 thoughts on “Doggy Diaper (4799-4809)

    • NONONO! It’s kind of funny, at least I want it to be. We figured out how to get the little biter under control. He’s in the kennel when the boys aren’t playing with him. When he’s out of the kennel he stays on lead, even in the house, so he doesn’t have a chance to sneak off and leave more calling cards. It might be because of Blue. Chicken is intimidated by his majesticness, even if he does have a tiny little unit.

      But seriously, I’ve been low on material and this gives me plenty to write about. And I love taking pictures of Chicky, he is very photogenic! Hang in there, it will all be over soon.

    • I’d also rather be in my position than yours. I’m in Boulder! And when you return you can watch Blue and blog about what it’s like to clean up after a dog that shits logs as big as your tiny dog. I’ll feed him a bunch of ribs beforehand if it would make you feel better.

  1. Is the dog’s head still swollen from getting snakebit, or is that just the normal shape of his cranium. Poor Tabby, one can only share her pain and mortification from afar and sympathize. It’s genuinely funny, though, to see you working it and to hear you reassure her that it’s supplying grist for the writer’s mill. Shows how the back-and-forth replies can be more interesting than the original posts. p.s. is “majesticness” really a word?

    • Have you seen my dog? He is the embodiment of majesty, or majesticness. I’m a big fan of malaprops, which sometimes gets me into trouble. Of course I use them more when I am nervous (i.e. around people who intimidate me with their superior intelligence or education) which just makes matters worse.

      Yes, poor Tabby. I know what it’s like to be trapped somewhere you don’t want to be, and then to know your dogs are acting like assholes … I’m counting on Blue to vindicate her.

      We’re dropping him off at her house the day she returns so we can go camping. I’m sure that his 5:45 lip smacking and demands for walks and giant turds will make her feel like it has been a fair trade. Honestly, it seems like a fair trade to me.

      Plus, Testiclese LOVES Chicken. LOVES. They are sleeping together right now with the little guy under the covers. It’s too cute for words.

      • Oh, and his head is still swollen from the snakebite. Everywhere else has made a full recovery but the edema is slow to recede from the top of his head for some reason. It doesn’t seem to be bothering him, though. Tabby might have to change his name to Domer.

  2. That sounds fair enough, turnabout dog-sitting. Good to hear the girl is game, and that by the time she’s home she’ll be a happy sitter, and you a happy camper….

    • I honestly cannot fathom how depressing this holiday is. I cannot wait to pickup dog shit in beautiful boulder. I just almost burst into tears when someone asked me what I’d prefer for lunch…a hot dog or a corn dog.

      The healthiest option I could find was jif peanut butter. So that was lunch. I’m in a food desert!

      I’ve been here 5 days and still not got out of suburbia. All I want to do is sleep because that’s the only way to excuse myself from drinking coors lite with the rest of the family. Sleeping all day is considered normal here unless you are drinking and watching sport. It’s NOT normal for me but its defiantly preferable to drinking

      Thank god we don’t want kids because hubby’s gene pool is reminding me of that film idiocrasy

      Every time I pick up dog shit from now on I am going to say a prayer of thanks and let it remind me of how much I love being at home.

      Suggestions?! How to cope? No car, no bike, no bus within walking distance. No store within walking distance. No organic produce in store anyway.

      I need to think positive and proactive. Either that or I need to laugh- has anyone got any vacation stories that are worse than this?!?

      • You could learn a new language, catch up on your sleep (on it), read a really good book (try fiction), and think of what great material this is for later use, once you get over the pain of it.

  3. Ha! Well, at least it’s not your own dog using your house as a toilet. My dogs (Rider) are such assholes. I have to force them to get up in the morning to go potty before I have to leave the house… they almost always refuse. What dog refuses to go outside?? Then as soon as I leave they (Rider) poop in the living room anyway. What the hell? I know he’s doing it on purpose. He knocks it off for a while, then as soon as I’ve committed some horrible offense against him (didn’t let him sleep under the covers??) I wake up to a giant turd on the floor. He has zero excuses! They get walks every day, and go outside all the time. He just has a bad attitude, man.

      • I’m planning on it! In fact, we scheduled our acro jam for earlier in the day because several of us insisted that we had better things to be doing at 2pm. I’ll be coming from Denver so as soon as I can tear myself away from doing acro I’ll be there. Does it matter when people show up? Is anything happening at a specific time that someone may be a big jerk for walking into the middle of?

        • I’m so glad you’re coming! Doors open at 2 o’clock. There will be refreshments and I’m assuming people will have a little to eat and then there will be a showcase which will last about an hour. There’ll be mingling afterwards. See you then.

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