Beauty Walk (4883-4889)


Blue woke Lonny up at 4:30 with some urgent, uh, Wookie sounds.

Lonny tried to put him off but Blue had to go. Of course this didn’t stop him from getting me up at 5:45 to go for his morning walk. Our walks fall into three categories.

The Shapoopie: A walk born of a physiological need to get the poopy out, which I would rather him do on my neighbor’s lawn than mine (heh heh). I’m not talking about you Michelle! I’m talking about Street’s rental which already has a bombed out lawn. And I always clean up. ALWAYS.

The Walkies: Something I do with Tabby or Shawna or my boyfriend Dan Savage. It’s a long one, between three to five miles on open space. There are few things that make as grateful for the life I have than the ability to get outside every day and with a good friend or listen to an awesome podcast.

The Beauty Walk: A total bullshit walk that Blue insists that he needs but nets neither #1 or #2. He just wants to prance around and look for squirrels. Pisses me off. Blue only hits Lonny up for these. I consider my duty to the dog fulfilled after our morning walk.

I often walk through some pretty swanky neighborhoods to get to my trailheads and see some unfuckingbelievable houses on my way. I was talking to my dad about it today, about the views some people have out their bedrooms and what would be it be like to have a door that, I shit you not, costs $30,000. For a door!?!

My takeaway is that I like my life the way it is. My chaotic house that will never ever be perfect, my rambunctious boys, my stupid fucking dog that wakes up while it’s still dark and wants to go outside, some of my crazy clients, my totally counterculture husband, all of it, it’s all awesome in its own way.

Totally abnormal behavior for my kid or for my chickens. Awesome!

Totally abnormal behavior for my kid and for chickens. Awesome! A vegan once left a shitty card on my door about the “myth” of ethically raised animal products because they saw my Coop Du Jour. I’m sorry but I must object in the case of my ladies. They are loved and cared for and are very, very happy. At least they don’t seem unhappy.

My happiness doesn’t lie in perfection. While I will never have the awesome, minimalistic life of cleanliness and order that is my goal, I have already broken my shopping for entertainment habit. Woot!

My death will be boredom and I am never bored. So even though I like to kvetch from time to time about being overwhelmed, tired, irritated, too bitchy for words, I am genuinely in love with life and my family.

I was a little amused (and dismayed) that the boys have discovered the joys of dumpster diving. If Lonny ever had any doubts that those boys are his (despite the fact that they look more like him than me), this should be proof.

If my boys want to run around in sexy bee costumes, fine. I don’t give two shits what their eventual orientation is, just as long as they are healthy and true to themselves. That said, Lonny tried to get them to wear the bee costume to camp and Scotus gave him a teenage worthy eye-roll. Lonny had it coming. I’m DONATING the costume. That’s three items (wings, leg warmers and dress).

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It’s my friend’s son’s birthday today and she told me that they were getting him a fish. I’ve been eyeballing this fishbowl set-up sitting on top of my cabinets for some time now.

We got the obligatory betas for the boys when they were little but they were so depressing. The boys were all into it for a week or so but then it would be up to me to keep the bowl clean.

There they would be, languishing in their pool of stagnant water, just waiting to die. And me, just waiting for them to die and kind of feeling bad about it. My friend happens to be the mastermind behind Johnny Bitchin’ by the way, just incase you need a new hero.

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Happy Birthday little man! Enjoy that completely non-responsive pet!

I have a strictly NO CAGED PETS rule in this house. We took care of the class guinea pig over the winter break last year. Each day I would ask, “Has anyone checked in on the prisoner today?” Poor thing.

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Right, time to cut more crap.

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This is a Lexmark printer/scanner combo. The printer head dumps ink. I’ve tried the utilities and even had Minion look at it. He doesn’t think it’s a software issue. I have no idea how much it would cost to replace the head but it still acts as a perfectly functional scanner.

I tried calling tech support and had the most fucked up interaction ever. I called the number on the Lexmark website and got a man with a heavy accent.

He did that sketchy thing where I download software so he can access my computer and the conversation went like this:

Me: So I’ve tried all the utilities and nothing seems to be working.

Hostile Tech Support Dude: Oh, I can see here that you have a big, big problem.

Me: What?! No!

Hostile Tech Support Dude: Unfortunately. However, this can be fixed. The problem is with your network and your computer. You will need to purchase the Diamond/Platinum service where we will assign two engineers to your case.

Me: Really? My network is working fine. It seems like a hardware problem, if you ask me.

Hostile Tech Support Dude: No. You have a big, big problem that will affect your other printers.

Me: Really? (totally gullible). What does this cost?

Hostile Tech Support Dude: $199.

Me: Get the fuck out! (I didn’t actually say that) I don’t have $199!

Hostile Tech Support Dude: Then why did you call?

Me: To get some tech support. For free.

Hostile Tech Support Dude: So you are telling me that you won’t spend $159 (notice the change in cost) to fix your printer?

Me: Not for one that I could probably replace for under $100.

Hostile Tech Support Dude: This is very important! Your whole network is at risk! YOU MUST DO THIS!

At this point I’m thinking that my network is at risk of him and his scammy internet company.

Me: This is starting to sound sketchy. Do you even work for Lexmark? I’m hanging up.

Hostile Tech Support Dude: NO! Don’t hang up!!!

I hung up, killed our connection and dumped the software I downloaded at his request. Holy shit.

So if you want this printer/scanner because you can part it out or fix it, it’s yours FOR FREE.

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Cute cotton yoga pants. The problem is the tied waistband. It either binds or falls off my waist thus exposing my granny panties or worse. Fuck that. DONATE.

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Another treasure the boys pulled out of the dumpster. I suppose it’s karmic retribution for letting Blue pee on Street’s lawn. His renters moved out and their dumpster is a treasure trove of stuff for the boys. I have lots of pincushions so this one is returning from whence it came.

6 thoughts on “Beauty Walk (4883-4889)

  1. Just fyi, your house is my favorite place in Boulder–more favorite than VF Boulder! It’s a retreat–don’t ever, ever forget that. XOXO

    • Thanks sweetie! My house is very special and I believe that it is the electrical center of Boulder in a strange way. Everyone has some kind of connection with it because there is so much to look at, even if you are just a passer-by. I like to think we are doing our part to keep Boulder weird.

  2. Pingback: Self Walk (6179-6194) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  3. Pingback: Self Walk (6179-6194) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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