The Fade Away (4768-4777)

There is only one thing that fills my stomach with palpable, nauseating, churning dread (aside my mother’s disapproval, of course) and that’s double booking my vacation rental.

I have owned and managed a couple vacation rentals for over five years and have only double booked a date once, and there was a cascading series of events (a perfect storm, if you will) that allowed it to happen. Nonetheless, I live in constant fear of messing up someone’s booking/vacation/life.

Today I got a message from someone who thought she booked with me but actually didn’t. I sent her booking information and requested payment (necessary to secure a reservation) and she dropped the ball. Nonetheless, my stomach tied up in knots when I got her message asking about check-in.

www.beachbody.com

www.beachbody.com

I checked my records and bank account to make sure that the fault wasn’t mine and then contacted her with the bad news. I was completely ready for her to be angry with me because that happens. Someone screws up and doesn’t want to be mad at themselves so they are mad at whoever happens to be in the way. To be fair, I’ve been guilty of this, but I always apologize.

I was relieved when she responded with grace and shrugged it off. Of course I offered to help her find somewhere suitable to stay.

Don’t you love it when people are nice? It makes me feel like the world is an okay place.

As my guts churned and my heart raced, I reflected on what my body was going through. Why was I so worked up over something that wasn’t my fault? Why did it put the fear of God in me that someone might be mad at me, even if I knew it was misplaced anger? Why have I made it my job to make everyone happy?

“Are you in a bad mood? Then it’s my job to fix it!”

Not.

The truth is, I live in abject terror of making someone, anyone, unhappy. Even if they showed up in a bad mood, somehow I feel I should do something about it. Talk about a recipe for failure.

As as result I’ve let people into my life that I don’t care for, I’ve signed onto projects that I don’t have time for, slept with men I  wasn’t attracted to, pretended to be someone I am not, expressed approval of opinions I thought were horse shit (just to keep from rocking the boat, ya know) allowed inappropriate advances on my person to go by without standing my ground, and have found my life full of people that make me tired.

When I see a conflict coming, I always try to find out how I might be at fault, and even if I can’t, I apologize anyway. But it’s getting better.

I’m interested in my apology thing because it’s something that I’m really good at, but not always for the right reasons. I believe that one should be able to apologize when one fucks up. Period. However, I have turned apologizing into the art of avoidance. Because if I pee all over myself I can avoid standing up for myself and what I believe in, avoid a confrontation, and avoid getting real with someone. What ends up happening is The Fade Away.

The Fade Away may work with someone you went on a couple of blind dates with but it’s no good in anything more involved. I don’t want to turn into a confrontational asshole, but I don’t want to be a big pussy. I also want to stop living in fear of someone else being unhappy, unless it is a renter in which case I am responsible for their experience.

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http://bigdaddytliving.blogspot.com/2013/05/fear-of-fading-away-to-nothing.html

I’d like to say that I am going to let go of trying to control other people’s experiences cold turkey, but I know myself; change comes slowly. But I am going to try to cultivate some boundaries.

My new mantra: This is me. This is what I am doing and have to offer. You can count on me to do my best. If it isn’t to your liking, you are free to go.

Not everyone who comes into my realm has to walk away enchanted, it’s impossible, and I’m going to attempt to let that be okay.

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One of my tenants left this in the house. I tried to convince the boys to take a dose but I sold it wrong, “Here guys, 400 Billion Bugs!” RECYCLE.

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Vintage cookbooks and a juicing recipe book. FREE.

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I’m not a fan of 303 Vodka. I helped with a fundraiser that charged $30/head. 303 generously donated a case of booze and then brought 9 people to the party without paying (9 x $30) which cost us $270. Thanks for nothing. Plus, no one wanted to drink the stuff so I’m mixing this up with Izzis and POURING IT DOWN MY FRIENDS’ THROATS TONIGHT. Is this cheating? Like I give a shit. See how far I’ve come!

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Most of the pieces are accounted for. FREE.

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Crap I cleared out of the boys’ room.

9 thoughts on “The Fade Away (4768-4777)

  1. There’s a place between confrontational asshole and big pussy. Hopefully you can find that place. It really takes self awareness. Have you read Boundaries or Beyond Boundaries? Great place to look for help.

  2. Uhhhh… it’s POSSIBLE to walk away from The Viv less than enchanted? I call bullshit. It’s like that kid in elementary school that bullied you because he had a crush on you… it’s not that they are not enchanted it’s that they CRAVE you, they want to BE you. Yeah. It’s true. Take that. 😉

  3. Great post, and boy, do I relate. I hate confrontation as well. You are incredibly brave – all that you do, pole dancing, blogging, putting yourself out there… you’ve got the balls. I know I’ve got them too – now we just have to learn how to use them. I’m working on my “no” answers right now myself. I’m too busy doing other people’s projects, time to take some back for myself. (Conflicts or no.)

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