I’m on day two of being iRate. I got my Macbook Air home last night and I was ready to unleash the power of the 1.7 Gigahertz Intel Core 17 with 8 Gigabytes of 1600 Megahertz DDR3 whatever the fuck* that is supposed to mean. I think it means it’s supposed to be faster than my old computer.
* Warning: There is excessive use of the word fuck in this post.
So imagine my disappointment when I fired it up to write a love letter to Apple about how much I love everything about them and don’t ever change … and the internet sucked. Like really sucked.
I had purged 17 items yesterday but only counted eleven of them because the internet was so fucking slow that I couldn’t load the images. No biggie, I thought, I’ll just do it in the morning. Except now I have no internet at all.
I did all the usual things, restarted the router, the modem, the airport, my computer, saw if any of the other devices (Apple and otherwise) work (they do) and called up customer support. I started from the beginning and told them what happened (1). She transferred me to a network specialist where I got to tell him my story again (2).
To Apple’s credit, they didn’t have the annoying static hold music (like the Apple Store) and their customer support people are very nice. I can cross that off of things to be pissed off about which is no big deal because I have plenty of other things to get my panties all twisted over.
I ran all over the house reading serial numbers with the very nice customer service rep and did the thing with the paperclip and HUZZAH! I had internet on my Macbook Air again. And it lasted exactly long enough for me to thank him and hang up. Then I lost internet again.
I called back and told the new customer representative my story (3) which was getting longer with each retelling and she transferred me to the network specialist (of course) where I told her my story from the top (5). She kicked it up to the next level and they said that there was an issue with the Arris router that Comcast gave me and I need to call them to get a firmware update. Deep breath. Have strength.
I called Comcast and told them my story (6) and the CS rep said, “Oh, this is billing, you need to talk to tech support so she transferred me and I repeated myself (7) to a total bitch.
Me: Blah, blah, blah, the people at Apple said that there have been issues with the new Macbook Air and the Arris router and I need a firmware update which is why I’m talking to you.
Total Bitch: Well, they would know, wouldn’t they? (totally snotty voice)
Me: Um, I guess.
TB: And by the way, it’s a modem, not a router.
Me: Okaaaaay. Would you like me to apologize for my existence now?
TB: Let me transfer you to Diamond Platinum or some-shit Service where they may or may not charge to talk to you. (Not an exact quote, but you get the gist.)
I got transferred over to a recording that said, “If you would like to inquire about purchasing Palladium/Cristal-Champagne/Table Service please press one, all other calls press two.”
Well, I didn’t want to purchase Double Hand-job Happy Ending Service, I just wanted someone to answer my fucking question. Is it the router (oh, I mean modem, sorry) or not? I’m just trying to narrow it down here, so I pressed 2 and got kicked into square one again. Hang up.
I called Apple and explained to the person what was going on (8) and she transferred me to Network Specialist Chris L. where I told him the saga (9) and asked them if there were notes kept anywhere because I’m getting really tired of repeating myself. He was satisfyingly sympathetic.
Chris L. was very nice, which was good, because my patience was wearing thin and it didn’t help that the boys were having a sock fight behind me.
I let Chris L. do that creepy thing where he controlled my computer remotely, but not really because all he could do was look around and point with his red arrow and tell me what to do. And it wasn’t my computer, it was Lonny’s because mine doesn’t have internet. Duh.
Actually, I would have preferred to let him just take over so I could angry blog at the same time.
I downloaded the Airport utility and had performance anxiety because Chris L. could see how inaccurately I type. I blame it on the PC keyboard and being nervous. The keyboards should be the same but it feels like all the letters are in the wrong place, which is part of the reason I still use Apples.
We fucked around with the modem and the settings and diagnostics, having to constantly reboot the hijack thingy because Lonny’s internet kept dropping out, too.
Chris L. asked me if I could unplug my Airport and take it to someone who could see if it was able to connect to their network. If not, he would replace it for free. Hallelujah!
Have you ever prayed for something to be broken?
I rode my bike to iSupportU with a half flat tire and desperately hoping it wouldn’t work because I would rather get a free Airport from Apple than have to talk to the snarling customer support people at Comcast. Chris L. gave me his direct extension and told me he would be there for two more hours and then he’d be gone for three days so I was in a panic to get‘er done.
Plus, the kids were clamoring see Monsters University and I’ve been putting them off for a while but promised we would go today but now I have this shit to resolve because Chris L. doesn’t come back until Friday and so help me God, I cannot tell this fucking story one more time. I can’t. But Testiclese is seriously doubting my resolve to take him to the movie and laying the guilt on thick. “You seem to be avoiding the subject, Mommy.”
I got to iSupport U and realized that I didn’t have my wallet but GOOD NEWS, my dress showed lots of side boob which means I might be able to score a freebie. And they say boob jobs are frivolous. These babies have been paying for themselves since day one.
While the support guy was testing my Airport Extreme (could they have come up with a dumber name?) I searched for open wi-fi to correct my stupid Bill Gates/Steve Jobs gaff from yesterday’s post.
Seriously, doesn’t anyone give away internet anymore? Twenty-one networks are showing up and every single one is password protected. Oh, and Mister It Puts The Lotion On Its Skin network, you’re fucking weird.
Bad news, the Airport works and I’m back to square one. Good news, I didn’t have to pay for them to look at my modem. Thanks Dr. K!
I called Chris L. and broke it to him and he told me I needed to call Comcast and force them to restore the factory settings on my modem even though they would fight with me about it.
I handed it off to Minion who was pissed because his wi-fi was all jacked up so he couldn’t work. He’s one of those scornful PC users who never misses an opportunity to bag on Apple yet he still gave it a go.
I went to the movie and spend $45 (!!!!!) on two adults and two kids to see a goddamned matinee! Are you kidding me? Forty-five dollars?! And I fell asleep. FYI, I will never take the family to a movie again. What a rip!
After the movie I called Minion and he had been doing some research during my nap. It turns out that Mountain Lion OS 10.8.4 is really fucked up and Macbook Air customers have been reporting issues with their wi-fi being spotty or non-existent.
Did I mention that Macbook Airs don’t have ethernet ports? Miss Total Bitch from Comcast made a snooty noise when she told me to plug my computer directly into the modem/router and I had to break it to her. I’m telling you, the milk of human kindness runneth over with her.
The whole fucking point of Macbook Air is portability, as in you can take them anywhere with a wi-fi connection and they work because they are so convenient, so lightweight, so compact, and so expensive. Without wi-fi, you don’t have any other way of connecting to the internet! Do you think they could have told me that yesterday when I was buying the thing? Oh no.
Do you think Chris L. could have mentioned it before kicking the can down to Comcast? Minion is positive they know about it but won’t acknowledge their mistake because they are Apple and can do no wrong which, until this moment, I totally believed.
Mountain Lion was only released a month ago and I’m sure they will fix it soon, but this really is unconscionable. Loss of productivity is a big deal and it gives me little comfort to know that this problem is not specific to Arris modems, but with pretty much all wireless routers. I am so le screwed.
Minion left this page open for me to look at (when my internet feels like working) that has lots of potential DIY fixes. But when it comes to computer stuff, I get super female and am like, “Would you please do it for me? All this computer stuff makes me feel so confused!”
I’m not sure quite what to do about it but this may affect my blogging. I’m going to go camping tomorrow and maybe, just maybe, this shit will get resolved by the time I come back. Meanwhile, sorry if my blogs are spotty. I blame Apple.
Time to cut the crap.
This is a small corner of a custom rocket ship tent I made for the boys. It took a ton of time and effort to make it but it wasn’t engineered right. I took the stakes out and it has been living behind a couch for years. It was really cute and I have thought about re-engineering it but honestly, it just makes me feel guilty when I look at it. So I threw it in the trash and I finally feel free. I will never redo this thing. NEVER. It feels good to get real.
I made this poster for the kids after a trip to Houston to visit my M.O.M. It wasn’t a great trip but I tried to make lemonade by putting together a cute photo collage and hoped that we would believe we actually had fun. Making bad experiences seem fun and exciting is what I do.
For the most part, we felt like we were taking up space and being inconvenient. But whatever, it’s done. Lonny wants me to save this poster for posterity but I don’t know. If he wants to put it in the rafters of the garage, he can be my guest.
Stupid Happy Meal toy we got on the road. Af first I thought it was awfully Bah Humbug to outlaw a free toy with kid’s meal purchase, but now I’m all for it.
In desperation we would go to McDonalds on our roadtrip. One morning I ordered egg sandwiches and oatmeal but the boys were all, “We want hamburgers!” and I was like huh? It’s 6 in the morning. It turns out they just wanted the shitty toy from the in the Happy Meal display, which I didn’t buy for breakfast BTW. Even they admitted they hated McDonald’s burgers and, I quote, “How come even the apples taste like nothing?” -Testiclese. TRASH
All stuff from our vacation rental medicine cabinet. You can thank TSA for all this shit getting left in my house. People can’t bring it with them so they leave it, which is fine. I’m going to DONATE it to the shelter.