Lonny has been very concerned about what’s happening at pole camp. Most importantly, he is worried that we won’t set up the pole. And wouldn’t that be so embarrassing for us (and disappointing for him)? I think his imagination kind of ran away from him when I told him that we were going to spend the entire weekend trying on each other’s panties and playing with our boobs. I was kidding! (Well, not really … okay sort of … kinda … no).

For you, my love, here is pictorial proof that we did workshoppy pole dancer stuff.

I woke up at the crack of dawn, as is my curse because that’s when Blue usually comes to my bedside and smacks his lips and drools on my arm until I get up and walk him. Or Tabby calls, whichever comes first.

Whatever, I get up early. Which is AWESOME because it allows me time to make breakfast. I’ve resigned myself to the role of House Mom, it is my calling. Today it was baked blueberry French toast and fruit salad. Then we did yoga outdoors which was lovely except some bug crawled into Diane’s cleve and she totally freaked out and Lemony had to give her a reassuring hug. What was the quote du jour?

“Nature, you need to stay out of my personal space.” – Diane W. Vertical Fusion, J.A.G. Pole Retreat 2013

Despite being very high up, it’s still hotter than a mo-fo up here. But the morning was gorgeous for yoga and spastic bug removal dances.

Then we moved on to partner stretching and acro yoga, which as you can see, I am very good at. No, I haven’t been trained, I’m just a natural and hanging upside down. Diane, you can bottom me anytime girl!

Babydoll and Jenny get their freaky yoga on, too

This may look easy, but that picture in the middle really threw our game off. Despite our fears, no one smashed the glass with their feet going into a handstand. And FYI, we did inverted pushups from there because we’re hard like that.

More partner stretching and toe licking. I didn’t get express approval from Lemony to publish this photo but it’s too funny. Partner stretching with her is a little dispiriting because she’s so damn flexible. I assure you that this move is much less impressive when everyone else does it. My foot gets about 9 inches off the ground.

We broke for crafting. Diane brought supplies and we made boxes that spoke to us. This is the kind of thing that I would never do, although I don’t have anything against it. We worked in happy silence as we dug through magazines for images and words that resonated with us.

Did I mention that J.A.G. stands for Just Add Glitter? Shé took this very seriously. I was all, “Jesus, Shé could ya use any more glitter? There’s glitter in my coffee now.” She’s getting a degree in early childhood education (which she’s gonna rock, BTW) and I suspect she will die of Glitter Lung. What a way to go.

This is mine, sans glitter. I’m easing into the girly stuff. While everyone gave themselves manicures (with glitter polish, no less) I retired to my room for a little nap and a few more chapters of my post-apocolyptic vampire novel. As a result, I still have Hobbit feet that no one will lick.

See? We got around to pole dancing! We did an improv exercise where we selected “clothing” (I use that term very loosely) from a pile on the floor to create a funny outfit, then we selected two cards: one with a compulsory move and another with a style to dance in. Then we had to free-style for a minute to a song not of our choice. The goal was to get us out of our comfort zones and have everyone laugh at us laugh at ourselves.

This song, plus the outfit and the move and style were almost impossible to pull together. But she did it.

See? It’s a pole! Lemony set up a 40mm (we are used to 45mm) pole and it was comical how almost every one of us walked up, put our hand around it and said, “Hm. It’s a 40.” Like we are human calipers or something. Occupational hazard?

Shé’s so awesome. Oh to have a body so awesome that you don’t even need to try to look hot. She can rock boxers with legwarmers on her arms and still be smokin’.

Shhhh. This is Lemony in disguise. This isn’t the picture I really wanted to post. There are about 500 photos of her dancing “nasty” and performing the king of all nasty moves, Teddy. She got kind of whiny about pulling that card and tried to put it back and I was all, “Oh no you don’t! If it’s good enough for us, it’s good enough for you.” Lemony got really freaky. Really. For real.

Jenny. I can’t remember what her move/song/style was because I was too blinded by her perfect ass. And abs. And thighs. I love her choice in socks, it really pulled the outfit together.

Babydoll pulled Circus for her style so she slapped on a swim cap and decided to become one of those performers that jumps off a high platform into a tiny bucket of water. Totally inspired.

We ate all our meals outside because 1) every inch of surface is covered with glitter and crafting supplies and grip aides, and 2) the patio was gorgeous at all times.

I fed everyone really well but I won’t bore you with details about the food. What you want to see are boobs. Right?

You’re welcome.

After dinner we hoofed it over to Strawberry Hot Springs for some soaking and Hot Spring Confessions. Unfortunately it was, how does Tabitha put it, rammed? There were a shitload of people there. Loud people. And I’m hanging with Diane so for me to say they were loud is kind of huge.

I haven’t been to Strawberry in at least ten years. It’s as gorgeous as ever and busier than that. Of course I was naked (natch) and when I plunged into the cold pool I said, “Christ! My nipples are hard enough to cut glass!” and I heard in the distance (it was dark), “Yes! There are naked women in here! Hey, I’ll show you my nipples if you show me yours!”

Dude, has that line ever worked for you? We need to work on your game.

A few of us howled at the moon (i.e. got topless) but only one other participant got fully nude like me, I bet you can’t guess who. I was surprised to discover that Shé is a little more modest that I had hoped guessed. I have yet to see her boobs, which is something I’m going to apply my full effort to tomorrow night when we take our confessions to the hot tub. I have plenty-o-stories of sexual humiliation to share.

Instead we packed up and went back to the room to power down the last of the Ben & Jerry’s and watch Jenny’s favorite movie, Center Stage. I excused myself a little early because I couldn’t take all the cooing and sighing. Back to vampire apocalypses for me.

Tomorrow we start the day with Paddleboard yoga. I offered anyone $5 to do a headstand on one of those. Pictures to come.