It’s the weekend which means Kiddy Birthday Parties Galore.

On the one hand, it is E-Z parenting. All I have to do is show up and let someone else feed and entertain my kids for a couple hours.

Bonus! Today was Harmy’s daughter’s birthday so I could kick it in the shade while chatting up friends.

Then the inevitable happened. There is at least one kid and an extremely oblivious/entitled parent doing that non-parenting thing.

Today I watched in awe as a four year-old sat on a picnic table and reached his grubby little fists into the communal bowl and tossed handfuls Chex-Mix onto the ground. Where was his mom? About a foot away, diligently documenting this important milestone in her perfect offspring’s life with a very expensive Nikon D7000. You wouldn’t want to miss a single moment, now would you?

And here’s little Bodhi/Liam/Elijah/Optimus-Prime acting like a total asshole! Ah, memories.

I couldn’t take it, all that perfectly good Chex-Mix goin’ wastin’ so I moved the bowl to another table. The mom shot daggers at me like I was jeopardizing her child’s magical childhood by setting a boundary. I pointedly glanced at the food on the floor and waited for her to do something. Which she didn’t.

I’m the kind of person who apologizes profusely (I am very good at apologizing, I do it all the time) to the waitstaff if my kids make a mess. I’ve gotten on my hands and knees picked rice up off the floor because I refuse to leave a large spray pattern for someone else to clean up, even if it is kind of their job. Fortunately those days are over but seriously, where to people get off thinking they can make a mess and just walk away?

Kids will be kids. Kids make messes, it’s a fact. But it’s the parent’s job to clean it up until the kid is able to either 1) not eat like an animal or 2) clean up their own filth. And while you’re at it, at least when someone else is watching, could you pretend to give a shit?

How about, “Now Josiah, we don’t throw food on the ground,” or some shit?

Zeb suggested we wait for her to come back around before we clean it up, just to shame her. As it was, she was too busy cherishing the moment as Nevaeh went to town on the piñata.

I’ve seen this happen time and again. Once I watched in horror as a child dug into the center of a cake with her nasty little fingers while her mother stood by and watched in what looked like a Ritalin induced fog. No, it was not her birthday and she was not the guest of honor.

Hey lady, the Ritalin is for your kid, not you.

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Another time a 5 year-old approached the adult appetizer table, picked up a honey coated walnut and stuck it into her mouth, fingers and all. She sucked off the honey, licked her fingers AND THEN PUT IT BACK IN THE BOWL and went in for another and another, until she had licked and replaced every walnut.

Mama was just hanging out, right there, looking vaguely amused and totally out of it. Did she say, “Don’t do that!” or “Take what you touch and eat what you take,” or better yet, “Get your filthy, saliva soaked fingers out of the grownup food and eat your friggin’ quesadilla!” And I was like, I guess I won’t be having the bleu cheese and walnut appetizer.

People! Don’t be gross!

I love my kids. I think they are adorable. But once their fingers go into their mouths, I don’t want them to touch me. breakawayy.wordpress.com

To be fair, my kids weren’t exactly paragons of virtue today. Harmy had the good sense to give the younger kids a 60-second head start to grab some candy from the piñata before she released the sharks into the tank.

Scrotus is the worst. He grabbed what was left of the piñata and used it as a basket to load up as much loot as he could. Then he set up shop underneath the play structure to lord over his haul. Next time I’m gonna physically restrain him. I’m definitely confiscating his candy.

Time to cut the crap.

We’re giving the little red vase to the Laughing Goat coffee shop.

Puzzles are free.

Let me know if you want any of the puzzles. I cannot guarantee that all the pieces are there but hey, they’re free so I don’t want to hear about it.

Magnetic game pieces to a missing game.