Dork Knob (4314-4317)

Enrique introduced me to a new term at dinner last night. Dork Knob. I was so tickled that I wrote it down for future use, this time on paper and not my arm. And here we are. The future!

Urban Dictionary defines a Dork Knob it as:

The puny beginnings of a man’s pigtail. Any pigtail on a man measuring less than three inches in length from the elastic pigtail fastener or scrunchie to the tip of the pigtail.
Did you see that stupid aging hippy and his greying dork knob? Do you think he ever gets laid?

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Unfortunately we can’t see Steven Seagal’s dork knob in this picture, but he embodies everything Dork Knobs stand for. Ultimate douchebaggery.

It came up because we were guffawing over the highly anticipated arrival of Braco, and his “silent, loving, gaze” to Boulder for a special two-day engagement at the Harvest House.

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This guy totally needs a Dork Knob. I’m sure he rocks one when working out.

On Wednesday and Thursday he will be holding 30 minute (group) sessions all day so people can bask in his loving, silent glaze  at the bargain price of $8. Or you can attend all nine sessions for $72. What a deal! Wait, what’s eight multiplied by nine? 72. That’s no deal, that’s simple math. I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s a rip-off.
Back in 1986 I did a seven-day personal growth retreat in the mountains that cost $1000. If you multiply $8 by 48 (there are 48 half-hours in a day) and multiply that by seven, then adjust for inflation, Braco would still be overcharging you because his pro-rated fee adds up to $1844 a week.
He doesn’t offer food (meals were included in our deal, but they fed us very little in order to exert greater mind control) and a place to sleep (though we didn’t sleep much either, for the same reasons, see Stockholm Syndrome) but they DID talk to us. A lot. Talk, talk, talk. And crying in front of lots of people. There was lots of that.
“The Final session each day will include a bonus addition of ‘The Voice’ played after the live gazing. ‘The Voice’ is an eight-minute recording of Braco speaking, and offers another way for us to receive this gift into our lives.”
What? He talks? For no extra money? That might be more than I can handle. It might be too … too … what’s the word? Intense? Maybe that’s why it’s a recording, it’s less intense that way. It would be way too much intensity to have him gaze and talk at the same time.
And talk about intense …“Must be 18 years of age or over to attend and pregnant women are not allowed to attend after their third month of pregnancy due to the intensity of the experience for some.”
It is too intense! Fortunately I am not pregnant. But what would happen if I was? Would I miscarry? Would the baby claw his way out of my vagina to bask in the loving, silent gaze? Or would he be like Rosemary’s Baby and his eyes would be all yellow like the Devil’s?
Or maybe he would come out looking like Braco. Maybe he would have Braco’s gifts and grow up with the singular goal of besting his rival. A stare-off   To   The  Death. This is serious shit.
“People with illnesses are advised to follow the recommendation of their doctor before and after attending a gazing session.”
I’m totally going to bring this up with my doctor before I go. Because I want her to prescribe me much stronger meds. This is fucking awesome, ya’ll. Almost as awesome as these pictures I took of Emily’s son after he stuffed a whole burger in his mouth.
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Who will accept my meme challenge? Caption this!

God, everyone’s a critic!

Harmy thought we were making fun of her by bringing up the whole Braco thing. I don’t know why she would think that … UNLESS SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIM!!!!

Come on, Harmy, it’s just me here. You can tell me. Are you carrying Braco’s baby? Are you afraid your baby will claw his way out of your vagina, grow up in an orphanage and return to kill his father and marry you? I’d be worried, too.

This post is getting dumber and dumber the more I write. It’s time to cut the crap.

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See that thing Testiclese is picking off the ceiling? I threw it away.

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A loud, fake telephone. The kids saw me stuff it in the trash and fished it out. I stuffed it back in when they weren’t looking. I should count that bad boy twice.

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My dad pointed out that I have lots of bags of bags here. He’s right (shame).

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You might not believe this, but I’m donating them. The church uses them at their weekly clothing give away. I’m counting them as one item.

1photoA chicken apron I don’t want and a stupid, plastic poop bag dispenser. I reuse newspaper bags for the poop. DONATE.

Quotes and images of Braco are from www.braco.net

Featured image courtesy of attractivebeardedmen.tumblr.com (WTF?)

23 thoughts on “Dork Knob (4314-4317)

  1. Lets go see Braco.
    Think we can take the dogs too? Poodle needs some loving gaze- it might stop him whining incessantly. And Werm might stop killing things if she gets Bracoed. And Blue might shrink.

    • You can’t take your pets BUT it says on the website that you can bring a photograph of your pet/child/fetus so they may receive the benefits of the loving gaze. That guy is so powerful that is gaze works on photographs. Wow!

  2. OMFG this guy is a genius, and he is laughing all the way to the bank. Love the post burger face stuff pic; still trying to come up with a good meme.

  3. I think I may go an see Braco and wear mirrored sunglasses, just to see what happens…. is he like the Buckingham palace guards where you try to make them laugh…WTF is up with this guy?

    • I totally want to go. I like the mirrored sunglasses idea. I was thinking of wearing a prosthetic belly. Lets see if their morals will stand between them and my $8.

  4. Does he blink?

    I can out- stare most people. I would love to challenge him to that, maybe it would be like one of those restaurants that if you eat the 50lb steak you get it for free. If I out- stare Braco I can have my $8 back.

    I just looked on the website- they pack people in the room in a ‘session’. I would be so pissed off if I was at the back of the room- thats a very diluted stare. I thought that for $8 it would just be me and him for 1/2 hour staring at each other. What the fuck good is it if there are 100 other people in the room soaking up the love for their greedy selves?!?

    Natch…..I’m just sore that he thought of it first.

  5. If it were really intense, he would say women couldn’t attend unless they were pregnant. His gaze might penetrate and impregnate the vulnerable, un-pregnant women. Just sayin’.

  6. I’m needing an “invisible hug” tonight !
    It is so cool to know what to expect coming to bozeman in a few years. You guys are so far ahead of us!

    • I know! I feel sorry for people who don’t live in Boulder and don’t get to experience all the amazing spiritual events we have to offer. You will have to make do with my second-hand reporting. Hugs!

  7. “Braco”? That’s a person, right? Never heard of him, or her. Must google! Never heard “dork knob” either, although you can see the vile things all the time in Eugene; when worn on top of the head, I’ve always called them “hippie buns.” But the “$1000 Personal Growth Retreat,” I’ve heard of. Yeah. I seem to recall some kind of discount for paying cash. Or maybe it was a “no meals” option? (There was no smoking option, naturally.) p.s. I see you’ve snagged a reader in Bozeman MT. Maybe going viral in Montana soon?

    • Viral in Montana would be great! Viral anywhere would be great. I am so far away from being viral that it isn’t even funny. But I must remind myself, that isn’t the point. It’s the writing, the purging, the creativity that is the point.

      Ah, the Awakening. Two things I got out of it: 1) My handwriting. I was so bored watching adults process their feelings about their parents in the the center of the room that I amused myself by teaching myself how to write like you. Hence the one mind-bending time when I wrote a letter to you in a light blue fountain pen script. You sent one back to me shortly thereafter in the same pen. It looked like I wrote and addressed a letter to myself. 2) I exposed to, at the tender age of 12, of all manners of adult sexual disfunction and perversity and made to believe that (ironically) that sex is something to feel awkward and ashamed of. Thanks. I needed that.

    • You see those highlighted words? They are links. They will take you straight to Braco’s website. Who knows, he might be coming to Eugene soon!

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