We had another scuffle at the dog park today. All these posts makes that place sound dangerous, but it really isn’t. Here’s what happened.
It was super sloppy out there due to the recent snowstorm. There were a few dogs tearing around like maniacs and Blue was in the thick of it. As they were coming around the corner every single one of them wiped out. It was pretty funny to watch them all go down but when Blue stood up, I could see a small cut on him.
It’s possible somebody bit him, but it’s more likely that he got cut on someone’s claw when they went down. I don’t think he even noticed.
I got him home and called Zeb over to look. Dr. House M.D. sized up the situation and decided intervention was necessary.
DH: Get me some superglue and a razor.
ME: What? No! I’m not going to let you superglue my dog shut. What if there is bacteria in there? It’ll abscess.
DH: It’ll be fine, his wound looks clean and we patched guys up in ‘Nam with superglue all the time.
ME: What’s this we stuff? You never were in ‘Nam, you idiot. Plus, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but bacteria is microscopic. I’m washing it out with alcohol and putting some Neosporin on it.
DH: Oh no, the alcohol will sting.
ME: LIKE PUTTING SUPERGLUE ON AN OPEN WOUND WON’T!?
DH: Well if it makes you feel better, then use the alcohol, but the Neosporin will keep the glue from sticking.
ME: I think we should clean it, put Neosporin on it and leave it open. I’ll call the vet.
I left to get the first aid kit and and came back to see Zeb straddling the dog with a bottle of glue in his hand.
DH: Babe, hold the flashlight, I’m gonna glue him up.
ME: What is that? That’s Gorilla Glue!
DH: Whatever, close enough.
ME: Well that didn’t work.
DH: It’s because of the Neosporin, that’s why it didn’t work.
ME: It didn’t work because you are an idiot. I’m calling Wu. He’s a real doctor.
He also blogs for Alchemist Threadworks, sometimes about the E.R.
Of course this isn’t enough for Dr. House M.D. He waltzes into my office just as I got off the phone with my vet who advised me to wash it out and use Neosporin (insert smug glare at Zeb) and let it scab over. He says, “I’m going to use dental floss, I hear it is stronger than thread.”
“Seriously? It’s the tiniest cut ever? What do you need strength for, you’re not reattaching a leg. Not that you are getting anywhere near my dog.”
But just to be diligent (and prove Zeb wrong) I googled “Recommendations for sewing my dog shut.”
Let me first just say that you should never post this kind of question on a public forum.
One person posed that perfectly logical question and got the shit flamed out of him. Seriously. I mean, he described it as a “gaping neck wound” and people when berserk. They were all, “Take him to the vet, you idiot!” and “Why do people like you have dogs?” and “I’m calling animal control right now” (ooh, scary threat, this is the internet dummy) and the best was, “You stupid cracker, you are going to create a festering wound and kill your dog!” Probably true.
Wu called me back and I told him my plan. If Blue’s wound doesn’t scab up in a few days, I’ll give him a couple tranqs and sit on his head while Wu staples him shut and Zeb videos it for my blog. Wu replied that he’d do it but Blue will probably bite me and then he’d have to sew my face shut and I was all, “Talk about the best blog post ever!”
Time to cut the crap. Zeb is bucking for some marital bliss tonight, I know this because he brought me records.
On behalf of all the people who think that Mexico Barbie is racist, I object to this racial charade!
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Holy Amazing Eyeshadow! Gaga ain’t got nothin’ on you, baby.
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36 Records, baby. DONATE.
Featured image courtesy of www.wkbw.com