Retail Therapy (3795-3807)


I bought something today to make me feel better. It’s unlike me to do this (these days) but I’ve had a rough week. Since I can’t wear bikinis anymore, I figured this is a somewhat justifiable purchase. The middle part will cover up the stretch marks and crepe. Cute, no?

 

one-piece-monokini-padded-main

Yah, I’m sure I will look exactly like her in this. Spring hopes eternal. BTW, I don’t feel better, just guilty.

I’ve been alluding to some nasty interpersonal shit going down in my life. Part of me wants to share all of it, but then again the internet is forever … at the same time I feel like this shit is forever too and nothing is going to change so why not friggin’ get it off my chest?

Let’s just say that a significant person in my life has disowned me. Again. For the sake of internet privacy, I’ll call her by her acronym, she is my Mistress of Misery, or M.O.M.

Given that she has done this no less than five times in my adult life, I question her resolve, but still. It hurts.

Zeb has endured me spending hours on the phone talking to friends, watching me mope around the house, dealing with the 10 hours of sleep I need to recharge my batteries from the emotional drain, and I think he just wanted to cheer me up. He called me over to his desk and showed me this really lovely commercial. I’m not kidding, it’s wonderful.

I thought to myself, If I see myself as ugly, then my M.O.M. sees me as even uglier.

He took me to lunch and I started sobbing onto my pizza. The waiters were pretty attentive so I had to pretend that the pizza was so good it brought tears to my eyes.

I’ve been barraged with a steady stream of nasty emails from her for the last few days. She hates me. She hates me because she loves me and she doesn’t think I love her back and it makes her sad so she rejects me because it hurts less than feeling like I rejected her. Like, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”

Like that’s supposed to help.

Like me now

When I try to love her like you are supposed to love someone (i.e. by sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts and fears) she uses that intel as a weapon against me later. I don’t like it when people are mean to me so I back way up when that nonsense starts, which makes her turn up the volume, which makes me retreat even more.

I got wise and put some boundaries on our interaction, for our mutual protection. It was either cordial distance or complete annihilation, her choice. Guess which one she picked? Asians don’t feel like they’ve talked unless screaming is involved.

Between the hair loss, nightmares and crying jags, I’m completely wrung out. I can’t afford this kind of drain on my energy, I need it for my family. I gave her everything I could for 30+ years, now it’s time to give to my children.

I’ve considered calling it quits, lord knows she has, but isn’t that what heartless, uncaring people do? Give up on each other? I don’t want to be that person. I want to be kind and understanding. While I don’t get along with her, I don’t want to abandon her, I just don’t want to fight anymore.

Aw hell.

I can easily say goodbye to this crap forever.

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More cookbooks.

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These flipflops shrunk. Isn’t that strange? It’s like it got so hot somewhere, or they dried out, I don’t know, but they shrunk 2 full sizes.

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DONATE.

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Only the most uncomfortable flip flops ever. I bought them because Olukai is supposed to be super comfortable but my feet slip off them and I twist my ankle. Every time. CONSIGN.

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No one will take these to consign, but they are gorgeous. DONATE.

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BURN.

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TRASH.

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A souvenir from the St. Regis with Cushie. TRASH.

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Outgrown, giving to Mr. Ripples.

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DONATE.

6 thoughts on “Retail Therapy (3795-3807)

  1. So….if she has disowned you does that mean that you are up for grabs?

    I’ll take you – any day of the week! I might even share popcorn chicken with you.

    Maybe you need Poodle for the weekend?, he is an excellent therapy dog. The tactic is to follow you about until you crave solitude so much that you lock yourself in a dark cupboard with a kitchen towel wrapped around your head and eyes. You will be forced to “go deep and find inner peace” and all that jazz……

    Everything seems fine when you get rid of the encroaching black dog- figuratively and physically in this case. Promise. I will send him over 🙂

  2. I can sympathize with you so much Viv. I have a very dysfunctional love/hate relationship with my M.O.M. Plainly speaking, she’s crazy. Just freaking crazy. It got so bad early this year that I was the one who had to do the disowning. It was me or her. Either I continue to put up with her madness and completely lose my own sanity or I push her away for good. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in months. And this is probably going to sound horrible, but omg I’m so much happier. She’s one of those people who will make everything about her. And if you try to do the right thing and confront her on her crap, she is a master of turning it around and throwing it back on you and suddenly you’re the bad guy. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she started verbally attacking my oldest son with this BS. She made wild accusations of him, things that he didn’t do. Things I was able to prove he didn’t do and she refuses to admit that she was wrong (because she’s never wrong you know), convinced herself that I am wrong, that I’m lying to protect him and all this stupid shit. I finally had enough. I had to end the relationship or I would be putting my own sanity at risk. It was me or her.

    • I don’t know if I am relieved or alarmed to know that my relationship dynamic is not uncommon. I am so sorry you have gone through the same thing and I applaud your resolve to set limits. I’ve cut off/been cut off so many times in my lifetime that it doesn’t hurt as much anymore, it’s the feeling that it will never be over that distresses me. At some point the situation will restart, people who treat others the way our m.o.m.s do tend to have nowhere else to turn, so they try to find ways back in. As a person who has had duty rammed down my throat, I find that old habits die hard.

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Really? No way.

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