I bought something today to make me feel better. It’s unlike me to do this (these days) but I’ve had a rough week. Since I can’t wear bikinis anymore, I figured this is a somewhat justifiable purchase. The middle part will cover up the stretch marks and crepe. Cute, no?
Yah, I’m sure I will look exactly like her in this. Spring hopes eternal. BTW, I don’t feel better, just guilty.
I’ve been alluding to some nasty interpersonal shit going down in my life. Part of me wants to share all of it, but then again the internet is forever … at the same time I feel like this shit is forever too and nothing is going to change so why not friggin’ get it off my chest?
Let’s just say that a significant person in my life has disowned me. Again. For the sake of internet privacy, I’ll call her by her acronym, she is my Mistress of Misery, or M.O.M.
Given that she has done this no less than five times in my adult life, I question her resolve, but still. It hurts.
Zeb has endured me spending hours on the phone talking to friends, watching me mope around the house, dealing with the 10 hours of sleep I need to recharge my batteries from the emotional drain, and I think he just wanted to cheer me up. He called me over to his desk and showed me this really lovely commercial. I’m not kidding, it’s wonderful.
I thought to myself, If I see myself as ugly, then my M.O.M. sees me as even uglier.
He took me to lunch and I started sobbing onto my pizza. The waiters were pretty attentive so I had to pretend that the pizza was so good it brought tears to my eyes.
I’ve been barraged with a steady stream of nasty emails from her for the last few days. She hates me. She hates me because she loves me and she doesn’t think I love her back and it makes her sad so she rejects me because it hurts less than feeling like I rejected her. Like, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
Like that’s supposed to help.
When I try to love her like you are supposed to love someone (i.e. by sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts and fears) she uses that intel as a weapon against me later. I don’t like it when people are mean to me so I back way up when that nonsense starts, which makes her turn up the volume, which makes me retreat even more.
I got wise and put some boundaries on our interaction, for our mutual protection. It was either cordial distance or complete annihilation, her choice. Guess which one she picked? Asians don’t feel like they’ve talked unless screaming is involved.
Between the hair loss, nightmares and crying jags, I’m completely wrung out. I can’t afford this kind of drain on my energy, I need it for my family. I gave her everything I could for 30+ years, now it’s time to give to my children.
I’ve considered calling it quits, lord knows she has, but isn’t that what heartless, uncaring people do? Give up on each other? I don’t want to be that person. I want to be kind and understanding. While I don’t get along with her, I don’t want to abandon her, I just don’t want to fight anymore.
I can easily say goodbye to this crap forever.
These flipflops shrunk. Isn’t that strange? It’s like it got so hot somewhere, or they dried out, I don’t know, but they shrunk 2 full sizes.
Only the most uncomfortable flip flops ever. I bought them because Olukai is supposed to be super comfortable but my feet slip off them and I twist my ankle. Every time. CONSIGN.
No one will take these to consign, but they are gorgeous. DONATE.
A souvenir from the St. Regis with Cushie. TRASH.
Outgrown, giving to Mr. Ripples.