Muffin Top Enhancing Technology (3121-3220)

I stopped by REI today to pick out a new swimsuit, my go-to suit is five years old and wearing thin. The super expensive Vitamin A suit I bought for pole dancing will never get wet. Ever. And the suit I bought a couple months ago just doesn’t look as good on me as I hoped it would. Maybe it did back then, but I feel like I’ve put on some winter weight and all the straps make me look extra muffin-toppy.

I had to drag the boys along with me which really put me under the gun. My bikini days ended after I had Testiclese, that kid left me with stretch marks and crepe. Oh God.

I’m all about tankinis now, preferably ones without Muffin Top Enhancing Technology.

The boys were running amok while I tried on suits as fast as possible. I found one that fit and got the hell out of there. I think that swimsuits and lingerie should be sold in boutiques with low light those mirrors that make you look tall and skinny. And chardonnay should be involved. And they shouldn’t cost more than $40.

Time to cut the crap. We carted a few crates of records to the staging area for the PTA garage sale, I’ll call it 200. Here are some great album covers from the lot.


Zeb found himself in the position to observe that the lead singer of Psychic TV had multiple labia rings. Multiple. Memories.


That sounds like a great movie, like almost every other movie ever made.


This is an awesome album cover.


While she doesn’t have a muffin top, she does have visible panty lines. AWESOME!


Prince’s evil half brother.

Featured image courtesy of

3 thoughts on “Muffin Top Enhancing Technology (3121-3220)

  1. Short post but to the point. Also somewhat mysterious, or maybe only for your male followers. “Muffin top enhancing technology”? Not clear to this reader, why would anyone want their muffin tops “enhanced”? (disclsaimer: I only recently learned what the term means, as used by self-conscious MILF types) And while I’m familiar enough with stretch marks, what on earth does (a) “crepe” refer to? Please enlighten me.

    • I was being sarcastic. If you shoehorn yourself into a suit that is too small, you get the bulge at the top. My point is that NO ONE wants their muffin top enhanced, hence my desire to find a swimsuit that does not create one. Crepe is what happens to skin when it has lost it’s elasticity, often caused by extreme weight gain and then loss, as in pregnancy.

Leave a Reply