This Might Be What Ends Our Marriage (2386-2461)

I’m deep in the vinyl vault and I fear this might be what ends my marriage.

Up until now I have been able to get rid of stuff without getting Zeb involved but I am intimidated by his vinyl collection. For one, they are his records and he should have some say. It would be a huge improvement even if he got rid of a mere 50% of them. I don’t want or expect him to get rid of them all. Records are great just as long as they are wanted; my goal is to get rid of all the ones that aren’t. And two, I have no idea what I am looking at, but Zeb does, or at least he says he does.

Zeb is a champion bullshitter. I can usually tell when he is talking out his ass by what his eyes do, but he can sell his  BS because deep down, even if he is taking a wild stab, he believes he is right. To my infinite irritation, he usually is.

He knows about labels, pressings, 60’s and 70’s rock, influential albums, etc. He might not be 100% right on, but I know absolutely nothing so I need him to do this with me. Given the sheer volume of his collection, this is going to take a while, even if the goal is to clear one layer of one shelf a day.


See? Rammed. That’s two layers to each shelf, four shelves to each rack and seven racks in the room.


They aren’t all full of records, but mostly they are. You know what else is down there? Windows. As in natural light. As in totally useful space. I’m envisioning a listening lounge with brown bean bags, an ugly couch, a bitchin’ turntable and an insufficiently hidden stash of Zeb’s 70’s Playboys. Once the boys find those it will be like I don’t have kids, except when they want to eat. Yet I will always know where they are.


In order to continue entertaining (and hopefully holding onto) my non-phonophile audience (Hi Pamcakes!) I’m going to feature pictures from some of the funnier album covers. Like this one of Barry Manilow (whom iPhoto wanted to tag as Bobby, WTH?!?). Oh for the days before stylists, when it was totally acceptable to put a picture of yourself sitting with your beagle while wearing a t-shirt that says “I LOVE BEAGLES” on your album cover. Now you have to just barely – but not quite – naked. And perfect.

The other thing that is going to do us in is that he has no appreciation for my vocal prowess. I can sing every song from The Chorus Line and I know all the words to State of Shock and I was singing them and I could tell that he was trying to tune me out. I’M NOT GONNA BE IGNORED! You don’t get it, you just don’t get it.

Time to cut the crap before Zeb’s patience runs out.


Cool cover, right? The back shows their mom holding some kind of giant pudding parfait. It is Utah, after all, where the drug of choice is dessert.


Awesome cover! We’re actually keeping this one just incase I need some stripper music.


Aw. Isn’t he cute? If it were today he’d be getting inked and grabbing crotch and banging a Kardashian. Thank God Shaun stayed sweet.




Another totally rad album cover that I’m KEEPING.


Holy mother of all crotch-shots!


Fleetwood Mac before the tall guy got all obsessed with wearing truck-nuts in every picture. What is up with that?


Who knew he was gay?


Can’t you hear it? The fat guy says, “Guys, I don’t want to take my shirt off,” but the other ones were like, “Everyone else is doing it,” so the fat guy says, “Fine, I’ll do it,” yet for reasons I can’t understand they put him in the front unlike Wilson Phillips who always put Carnie in the back.

See what I'm talking about!

See what I’m talking about!


These are the records going on the block today. All 76 of them. The record store isn’t doing any buying until After April 21st (Record Store Day) so I’m organizing now and on the 22nd I’m going to bring them down.


I’ll take pictures of the organizing wall. Zeb is scared because I cleared the whole dining room. Shit’s getting real ya’ll.

19 thoughts on “This Might Be What Ends Our Marriage (2386-2461)

  1. This is s massive task- I cannot wait until you are done with this as I think it will make a big difference- but I think more than 50% need to go- think of all the room you will have!!

  2. Ohhhh this is a tough one, I looked at a thousand lbs of vinyl and on a trip to salt lake loaded the truck and gave them to a young friend. He was ec static and shocked beyond belief when I opened the truck.
    On a pervious trip I noticed his turntable . He was proud of the high tech turntable and his 7 albums.
    So he records them digitally for me and. The collection is passed on.
    I have a thousand lbs of climbing magazines that are harder to part with but I take a box now and then to the gym and they are gone in an hour.

  3. Well hi….! Though I may not be a phonophile, I have at least seen a number of those actual record covers. BTW Shaun Cassidy is paunchy and old now.

    • I’m sure Shaun is paunchy, and he may even be a drug addled perv, but I’m glad that he let us have our girlish fantasies of the perfect non-threatening not really sexual male.

  4. Well hi….! Though I may not be a phonophile I have at least seen a number of those actual record covers. BTW Shaun Cassidy is paunchy and old now. Oh, and I commented 2x because my first didn’t post right away, so sorry if this is a duplicate.

    • Pamcakes! I didn’t realize it was you! Do you want the Shaun Cassidy album? Or would you like me to scan it and heat transfer the image onto a pillowcase so you can practice your kissing?

  5. WOW what a collection, this really could end your marriage! lol. good luck..and they buy used albums at various places now, you can get some cash for those classics for sure.

    • You’d be surprised. Record stores only want pristine albums and covers. If the album is rare enough, the cover might not matter as much, but as a rule they only are interested in perfection. I get it. Our basement has flooded enough times that water damage to the sleeves will cut out at least 1000 discs.

  6. Vinyl is dandy but shellac is like crack. These are great conversation pieces but once the word is out that you have something that’ll play 78s, there is a social phenomenon where you become the terminal in a path of least resistance for yet another copy of the 400,000th pressing of Enrico Caruso singing I Pagliacci.


    • So what you are saying is that people will show up at my doorstep in hoards, bearing armloads of 78s to enjoy the comfort of my basement listening lounge. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

  7. I love the “Songs for Swinging Mothers”. That is awesome. I am dreaming of a party where we have ’70 and ’80’s themed foods, and dress up as our favorite album covers.

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