Vampire Infestation (1702-1721)

I’m certain this house has a vampire problem. Let me explain.

I used to be with a major horror film aficionado. As a result I’ve seen just about every Dario Argento, Italian horror, disgusting Asian fetish film ever made. I have forgotten more horror films than most people will ever see in a lifetime. His best friend wrote his Ph.D. dissertation on vampires for chrissakes so I know a thing or two about vampires.

Vampire Hunters.

Vampire Hunters.

For instance, the presence of maggots in a wall is dead giveaway that you have a vampire infestation. And I have maggots in my walls. I haven’t actually seen any maggots, but I have flies, ergo …

Hey! I do not appreciate you thinking that it is because there’s food rotting in my room, because there isn’t. I never eat in bed and I don’t let the kids take food out of the kitchen. So it’s not that. It’s vampires.

We live in a very old Victorian, circa the 1880s, which has a double brick wall construction. My bedroom is in the southwest corner and I guarantee that at any time of the year there will be flies circling around the room. Sometimes it’s so bad that I have to yank out the vacuum and suck them out of the windowsills. Zeb thinks they are laying eggs between the walls and they are escaping through a penetration in the window casement. I think it’s vampires.

Did I mention that our basement has a dirt floor? Wanna bet there is Romanian soil down there? And over the years housemates have claimed to see shadowy apparitions in the middle of the night. What else could it be? All signs lead to vampires.

It’s not all bad, though. When the kids were potty training Zeb would pick up a fly and flick it into the toilet and holler, “Target established!” and the guys would go to town. DIE, YOU FILTHY BLOODSUCKER, DIE!

I admit to having a disgusting basement. I took a picture but I am too embarrassed to post it. It has on several occasions been made presentable but right now we are at an all-time low. I think I could knock out the rest of my commitment (1,948 items) in the basement alone but I am paralyzed by the sheer scope of it. There are at least – AT LEAST – 8,000 vinyl records down there. I need a broker. There is also a nice little powder room down there too and I am inclined to rip the toilet out, install a urinal, a plaid couch, a beanbag, a hi-fi and a crate of Zeb’s vintage 70’s Playboys down there for when the boys need a “man cave”.

Right. Pornography is exploitive but that 70’s stuff is like Sesame Street versus that sick shit you see on the internet today. I mean, they are going to go there so might as well stick with the wholesome stuff where people aren’t peeing all over each other and the women aren’t hairless freaks.

Here’s a sampler of what lies beneath. Let’s call it 20 items.


There’s nothing interesting, just stuff I found in the basement.


Rubber stamps, I’m going to donate them to the school.


So that’s where the shock collar went! I tossed the remote months ago. Zeb bought it at a garage sale as a joke. IT HAS NEVER BEEN USED ON THE DOG!

Finally, I’d like to point out that I have completed two months of this project and am almost half way to my goal of 3650 items, although I think it won’t be enough. I thought for sure I’d burn out on blogging and purging by now but I feel like I’m hitting my stride. Thanks so much for reading, following, commenting and sharing!

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  1. Pingback: Bat Bugs (5111-5124) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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