Unassisted Home Birth (1636-1648)

If you tell Zeb you want something you also have to tell him to stop, or else he will keep it coming forever. Kinda like in Forrest Gump when he plays football and they are all, RUN FORREST RUN and then they have to yell STOP when they want him to stop. I once told him I kind of liked Air Supply in the first grade. 20 Air Supply albums later … What? Air Supply didn’t make 20 albums? Now you are getting the picture.

This is what happens when you tell Zeb you need something. I said I needed a phone. ONE PHONE.

I said I needed a phone. ONE PHONE.

I ran into a woman pregnant with her umpteenth child and inquired about her pregnancy. “Any day now.” she said rather wearily. I actually knew this woman, so I wasn’t being a random asshole asking personal questions. How a woman is going to give birth in Boulder is dangerous territory but you can safely assume that it is going to be a home birth. No one is going to be offended by that. If you mistakenly assume it’s a hospital birth, you may get your head bitten off. Me? I like hospitals. A lot.

Playing I safe, I asked if she was doing it at home (nailed it!) and she informed me that she was going to do an unassisted home birth. Wow. Um. Good on her and all that but … shit. Wow. I know people who’ve done it but it still never ceases to boggle my mind that someone would have a baby without any help. Not even a midwife. I know that’s how women have been doing it for ages, and still do today but people used to have teeth pulled without anesthesia and you don’t see anyone opting for that do you? To each her own.

With a frozen smile on my face, I was like, “I bet your husband is really supportive during the process.” and she said, “Well, he kind of hides.” so kind of joking I was like, “So you’re like a wolf. You stalk off to have your baby in peace.” Exactly, she said.

When I ran into her the other day and she had a baby strapped to her (of course), I was relieved. She looked great and the baby was totally yummy. “How did it go?” I asked. Most women like telling their pregnancy stories and I like hearing them. “It went fast. I was done in four hours.”

“Wow, the baby just flew out of there then.”

“Kind of, it was very intense. But who I feel sorry for is Santa over here (nodding toward her husband). The baby came on Christmas eve so he had to wrap the presents all by himself. It was rough.”

For real? You feel sorry for him? You gave birth, BY YOURSELF, and you feel sorry for your husband because he had to wrap presents? That’s a good one. I wanna be your husband.

Here’s my stuff for today.


Stuff for today. 2 picture frames, a Safari Sounds book that is very, a Betsy Johnson top, magnets, more chicken books and files.


Dinosaur magnets.


Retro coin sorting device, it would be great for Montessori or homeschooling or people who don’t have access to grocery stores where you can just dump your money in a machine and it does it for you!


You want it? This nifty antique can be yours for $5.

5 thoughts on “Unassisted Home Birth (1636-1648)

    • You would be crying for your doctor and meds in no time. You know I’m right. Tanzanian girls … weight restrictions … glitter and puffy stickers. BOOM! Are you gonna pick up all the action figures on my porch or what?

  1. My husband tells everyone he left and went for a beer while I had the baby. He didn’t, but he’s right that I wouldn’t have noticed. Wolf-like is pretty accurate. Not unassisted, and not at home, though. I like the new layout!

    • Thanks! I’m no good at this tech stuff. I Teeny Bikini uses it aescetica and was nice enough to talk me through some sticking points. Babywise, the man plays a support role at best. Both my kids were c-sections (I call it the “total birth experience” (i.e. really long labor, lots of pushing, stuck baby, c-section) but I couldn’t have done it without him. Plus, I needed him there so we could fight over the baby the second he came out.

  2. Pingback: Dirty Jokes and Fight Club (2225-2327) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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