Sexy Bret (1598-1365)

This morning Jeb bounded into the bedroom with a burgundy 70’s t-shirt with lions in his hands. He was all excited, “You could look like Bret (pronounced Brit)!”    Huh?

“Ohhhhhh, you mean Bret from Flight of the Conchords! Yep, I would look just like him … but … why would I want to do that?” Zeb replied, “For Halloween!” and I was like, “Babe, you know I only do slutty for Halloween.” To illustrate:

IMG_8576Slutty Butterfly (with slutty Ali G)


Slutty Mermaid (with slutty fisherman)


Slutty Devil (with slutty confused and disturbing costume)


And the sluttiest costume of all: Slutty Pig (Zeb recycled his slutty Ali G costume, tsk)

See? I only do slutty for Halloween and I will continue doing it as long as I can. I’ve had two kids! I’ve earned the right to get let out of my cage one night a year. Perhaps it is short sighted of me to post risqué pictures of myself on the interwebs but fuckit. There is no way I’ll ever run for public office. Besides, I’ve been an artist model since I was 18 years old and there’s so many naked pictures of me on the web that people are sick of my boobs.

There’s a funny story behind the suckling pig costume. I love sewing and I went through a phase of making full body animal costumes (not because I’m a furry and if you don’t know what that is I’m not telling you) because they are warm and for a time my Halloween parties were largely outside.

I was pregnant with Scrote and at a party when I ran into a Boulder freak free-spirit. She asked me if I was going to the Erotica Ball and I was like No. Without skipping a beat she was all breathy and up-talky, “I’m definitely going. I had the best idea for a costume. The other night when my boyfriend was going down on me (I’m quoting here) I got this amazing idea to be a sexy snake. I believe in sharing my beauty with people (QUOTING!) so I’m going to glue strips of snake fabric to my naked body. What are you going to be?” (I repeat, I am quoting her word for word. I can’t make this shit up y’all.)

I’m still reeling from the “My boyfriend was going down on me” comment and I wanted to say, “What a coincidence! Because the other day when I was taking a dump I got the idea to be a pig!” But I didn’t say that. I just said, “I’m going to be a pig.”

She look confused, brightened and said, “Oh! You mean like get naked and smear your naked body with mud?”

I hated to harsh her mellow but I had to stand my ground. “No. I am going to make a full body, plush fabric pig costume with suckling pigs attached.” I was pregnant then and feeling broody but now I’m the freak! Because what was my butterfly costume but butterflies glued to my almost naked body? I peaked late.

So no. I don’t want a fake 70s t-shirt with lions on it. You wear it.


Stuff from a drawer in my bathroom. That’s 38.

I swear I could just do circles around my house, emptying drawers which Jeff Wu seems to think is almost as interesting as my pole dancing. I agree.


What bathroom in Boulder would be complete without a crystal?

To balance your chakras maaaannnnn.


Silk sutures.

Last I checked we didn’t have any doctors in the house. But then again, I could hurt myself while Wu is here and he could stitch me up on the kitchen table, but I wouldn’t have any pain meds so scratch that. I’ll go to the ER instead.


My aerobics instructor gave me these. It was a nice thought but these labels are not the answer to my problems.


Magazines. Read too many times.


Tiny travel sized containers of soap and shampoo. DONATE.

We used to have a housemate who worked at Pharmaca. Zeb called her room “Land of the tiny, dusty bottles” because every single surface was covered with little sample/pill/tincture/chineseremedy/essentialoil bottles. I always think about her and all those little bottles when I get rid of mine.


I no wear contacts anymore. My eyes been done.

I could write one hell of a rant about getting PRK/Lasik done here in Boulder. I get pissed just thinking about it. I’ll save that for another day.

6 thoughts on “Sexy Bret (1598-1365)

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