You Should Take My Class (1359-1375)


There are some amazing bloggers out there. Last night I ventured out of my hole and into the Freshly Pressed arena and discovered Lily in Canada  and The Jiggly Bits, a couple blogs by women with hilarious voices. I say discovered as if I have some cache, which I don’t. Actually, it seems that everyone but me has heard of them because they’ve got hundreds – THOUSANDS – of followers and I have twelve. But I love my twelve!

I’ve always been late to the party. These blogs made me laugh. Hard.

I subscribed to Lily’s blog and she was SO NICE to send me a message. She commented on my About page that pole dancing is, “like the best conversation piece ever!” Well, kind of. I’ll break it down by situation.

elstudio.pro-6534

Me, fierce. You should take my class.

Playground Mom: I heard you pole dance. Wow. Um, do you dance professionally? Me: Like at a strip club? No, I teach. I missed the stripping window of opportunity by about 20 years. But if you know of anyone into stretch-marks and c-section scars, I’m in! Playground Mom: Ohhhh! You teach pole dance! (with visible relief) That’s awesome! I’m dying to try it! Me: You should come to my class.

Playground Dad: Sooo, I hear you teach pole dance (smirking). Me: That’s right. Playground Dad: I hear it’s a great workout (snicker, elevator eyes). Me: It sure is, and it’s a lot of fun. Playground Dad: My wife could stand to loosen up, if you know what I mean. Me: She should come to my class.

Parties are interesting because for at least five minutes, I am the most fascinating person in the room, until whoever I talk to realizes that I am not a sex worker and will not give them a lap dance, right there and then.

Stranger At A Party: What do you do? Me: I’m a writer, I’ve got kids, I manage commercial properties, I’m close to revolutionizing cancer treatment and I teach pole dance. Stranger At A Party: Whoa! Pole dance! (stepping closer) Tell me more! Me: I teach at a dance studio. Stranger At A Party: Do you dance at clubs? Me: No. I teach at a dance studio. Stranger At A Party: Will you do something right now? Me: Here? No. You should come to my class.

tumblr_meofexj8OS1qasixno1_500

Drunk Asshole at a Bar: There is nothing you can do that I can’t! Me: Really. Drunk Asshole at a Bar: Yah, I workout. If some stripper can do it, so can I. How hard can it be? Me: Wanna find out? Let’s make this interesting, how much money d’ya got? Drunk Asshole at a Bar, backpedaling: (realizing that I jumped on it with a disconcerting lack of hesitation) I’ll meet you back here in a couple months. Me: I thought so. You should come to my class.

I already wrote about how I told my mother.

In addition to pole dancing and brokering a Middle East peace agreement, I’m also getting rid of all the crap in my house. Bring it on:

IMG_1312

The big bin is for dog food, the small bin is for cat food. I hate them both. I’m putting them behind the house for anyone to take.

IMG_1317I used to wear this hat when climbing 14ers with Zeb. We fell in love climbing mountains and I hope we do more, this time with the kids. But when we do, I’m wearing a hat with a broader brim. FREE.

IMG_1319 A pile of table clothes, aprons and rags with funny sayings. FREE.

IMG_1318A had Vietnamese hot pot at a friends house that changed my life. I was red-hot to make it at home so I hiked to Westminster’s Asian market to find white fungus mushrooms (tastes so good, sounds so gross). It took an hour to find them because no one speaks English there, or to be more specific, I do not speak Vietnamese or Chinese so I bought a bunch. It turns out that I’m not so good at making Vietnamese hot pot. I’m going to give them to my friend, hint, hint.

IMG_1320Not so Freshies. I have no idea how long this has been in my pantry. I hate Bloody Marys. Hate. Them.

9 thoughts on “You Should Take My Class (1359-1375)

  1. Aww you’re so nice! I could totally see any of those convos happening. Especially ” I’m close to revolutionizing cancer treatment and I teach pole dance.” hahah!

  2. Clearly, you are fabulous! And what a totally fascinating life. Work it. God, I just love getting rid of stuff in my house. Isn’t that best feeling ever?! I just got rid of a bunch of clutter and I will be toting out as much as can until the spring. Less stuff, less to clean 😉 Cheers and many thanks to you.

  3. Pingback: Are you new? Read this first! | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  4. Pingback: Recession Porn (2536-2582) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  5. Pingback: Liebster Award! | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  6. Pingback: Don’t Pole Drunk (2698-2710) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  7. Pingback: Titty Twister (3785-3794) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  8. Pingback: Under the Weather | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

  9. Pingback: Deep, Cleansing Breaths (4758-) | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

Really? No way.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s