How I Told My Mother

This is not my mom. She isn’t this old. Or this white.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Lately my pole instructor has been posting a lot of video submissions for the 2012 USPDF Amateur Division competition. She notes what she thinks is special about each performance and I have found it to be an excellent learning tool. Not that I am able to do any of the tricks I see, but it is a great way of illustrating what she means by “fluid movement” or “always reaching”. It’s some pretty impressive stuff. A few of my favorites are Brynn RouteKarol Helms, and Ariel Xenia’s performances. Seriously, though. They all rule.

What I take issue with is the term “amateur”. Really? So if these ladies are amateurs, who are the professionals? Do professionals not have a day job? Does it involve tips? Is there a category for earthbound mortals (and I’m not talking about me because I think I would rank as a subterranean worm), women who don’t have freakishly awesome legs and perfect abs? I’m not really ranting here, I’m just wondering.

I’ll watch these ladies all day just so long as I don’t have to judge their performances. Talk about a impossible job. I’d be all Girl Scout Leader and hand out first prize trophies to all of them because “You’re all winners!”

Which brings me to my next subject: The Olympics. I’m going to give a big shout out to whoever is pushing to have pole dancing as an Olympic event, if for no other reason than it made it much easier for me to break it to my mom that I pole dance. She came across a picture of me poling and sent me a rather concerned email asking for clarification about my “dancing”. I’ve kind of broached the subject with her but there was some serious soft-shoeing going on, like, “I’m teaching at a dance studio now.” So I replied by telling her that I started taking classes at a studio, took the instructor training and now teach Pole Fitness. And I quote my own email:

“Pole dancing originally started at gentlemen’s clubs but has made it into the mainstream as an acrobatic form of dance. It has been rebranded as Pole Fitness to distance it from it’s seedier beginnings. Pole Fitness is making a bid to be an Olympic event, so it has changed a lot from the days of the strip clubs.”

All this is true, people. I did not lie to my mother. She sent me an excited email a few days later that she saw a piece on CNN about how poling may become an Olympic event.

Thank you CNN and THANK YOU God for making sure she saw it!

Me? I can’t imagine it being an Olympic event. First, it would get all sanitized and to quote my instructor, “I like it that it’s a little sleazy.” Would they even allow stilettos? Would it still be sensual or would it turn into a race to complete as many tricks as possible in the compulsory round? Would it be hot and leggy women or go the way of “women’s” gymnastics which has become dominated by 10 year-old Eastern European midgets? And how would you judge it? Would sexiness even factor in? It seems like an impossible task but good on whoever is trying to make it happen because my mother is sleeping much better at night thanks to you.

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