Your Criticism Completes Me


It’s been such a long weekend and not the best one at that. The kids had a four-day break, which was just in time given that it’s been a whole two weeks since Spring Break and they were needing a little breather from all that hard-core academia.

My mental state is has been seriously declining and I’m not sure what the cause is, but a long weekend didn’t help.

sinking-ship

Get it?

Things have been far more stressful at home in the past than they are right now.

Truth be told, I have so much to be happy about. Given that, I am concerned that there might be something chemical going on with me.

I’ve been through depression before and know the warning signs and this feels strangely familiar. But before I reach for the Prozac, I want to try some behavioral modifications.

yes-i-can-beat-depression

My first step is making a list.

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Make a list, check it twice.

Making a list and checking off my to-do items is very helpful to my mental state. It just goes to show how fragile my self-esteem is that completing a list can be the deal maker when it comes to not feeling like a total fucking loser all the time.

I’m also going to try meditating for 15 minutes a day. It has helped in the past and might help now. If that fails, I’ll make an appointment to see my doctor.

I hate being such an uptight ball of rage, but that’s what I feel like and it’s not fair to anyone.

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No, I don’t want to talk to anyone and I probably won’t answer the phone. Sorry.

Yesterday I felt like I was constantly about to blow a gasket over nothing. All this internalized anxiety is not good for me.

Especially when it is spring and I should be happy.

spring

Everything is lovely. The porch is cleared off and I have been working on beautifying the gardens.

Recently I was criticized for being too harsh on my kids, the implication being that I am harming their emotional well being.

I think this is the perception because Loony and I have a running thing, derision is our language of affection. Hence the Fucking Cat and Stupid Dog, and Loony and Minion all the “funny” names we have.

We don’t hate the cat or the dog or each other, we just express our affection strangely. We are sarcastic people.

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Yet point taken, I assume that everyone knows this about me and they know I’m kidding. But maybe they don’t?

This strikes me at my core because I love my children so much. I am struggling right now with life in general, but I don’t want it to affect them. But how can I prevent that from happening without medicating the shit out of myself?

Perhaps I should work on my language and focus on the positive, which is what I’ll do now.

Easter

Coloring eggs at Emily’s house.

We had a lovely Easter. Thanks to Emily the boys got to color some eggs. I didn’t have it together. I wish I liked doing that kind of thing, for the sake of the boys.

She always goes all-out and in a strange way. This year she had a gingerbread Easter village that was ravaged by a volcano. You heard me right. Emily is the coolest.

dogs

Blue meets Max at the dog park.

Blue got to play with another Great Dane that we ran into at the dog park. Max is a gorgeous dog.

Old Cottonwoods

Old Cottonwoods

The boys like the dog park because there are giant, hollow tree trunks that they love to play in.

We got baby chicks, that’s exciting.

Except one died within an hour of getting her home. She had vent block and Mira and I tried our best to save her. Poor little thing.

We went to Murdoch’s to pick up the chick. Sadly, one died within an hour of getting her home. She had vent block and Mira and I tried our best to save her. Poor little thing.

Loony pissed me off by asking Mira if it was okay if he threw the dead chick in the trash.

What the fuck? He didn’t have to say that! It felt so insensitive, why put a fine point on it and to a little girl? Why not just bury the poor thing for Mira’s sake or not and at least say he did?

I’m feeling extremely sensitive.

But positive. Staying positive.

This weekend I was blown away by how big Scrotus is getting. Wow, that sounds so dirty.

bro

A captured these moments of him just being himself. He is such his own person.

He’s sleeping in on the weekends (as in, past 8am) and when he comes downstairs in his flannel PJ pants, he looks like such a dude. I can’t help but gawk at him.

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Doesn’t feel the least bit guilty.

That Fucking Cat Sweet Baby Kitten has been up to no good. She got out the other night unbeknownst to us. She spent the night under the porch and came streaking in when I got up.

To express her displeasure at us for, I don’t know, being human, she carried a toilet paper roll to the bed and shredded it.

Given her other forms of self-expression, it could be worse. And I still want to kiss her smug little face.

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Ranee was a little concerned about the dirty looks she said I was giving her. Who me?

The only thing that makes me feel good these days is going to the studio. I took Ranee’s Aerial Strength and Flexibility class last night for the very first time. Challenging is a very nice way of describing the class. It was so hard!

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I couldn’t believe how unforgiving and hard the fabric felt against my skin, it bites and burns, but oh the shapes you can make … So pretty.

That is all for now. I’m not even going to edit this thing, I want to get back to life.

Testiclese is sick (yay, more days off!) and I need to make him lunch and do a little cuddling. It feels good.

10 thoughts on “Your Criticism Completes Me

  1. have to add, inre the comment, you are snarky at your boys, hmmm from where I set, *scrolls backwards and forwards* a gazillion pic’s on here, so many most children would have said “aww mom stop it” or at the least “feck off mom, give it a rest” and your boys are always happy, smiling and playing. scratch that 88.3% of the time, I have seen them sleeping too. Yeah, you sure are a terrible mother… It takes all kinds to raise a child, are yours smart? check. happy? check. fed? check. well-adjusted? check. Seems to me the person who made the comment needs to get out of your parenting, You are teaching your boys the real world. I mean what’s next? we petition to take the word bossy out of the dictionary because little girls can’t handle being called that? *gasp* ;) Just take on my mantra Viv, “this too shall pass”

    • You are such a kind person. And to be fair, the person offering “criticism” didn’t mean to. She made an off-hand comment which I very quickly internalized, as I am wont to do.

      I look back at pictures of when they were babies and, if you only looked at the albums, you would think that it was a peaceful and light-filled existence. You never see the late nights, frustration, loneliness and isolation that was also a big part of the their infancy. It’s not what you take pictures of. As a result, I don’t trust photos.

      But you are right, I need to focus on the positive, not just in others but maybe myself. Just a little.

  2. Well Viv, ’tis the season for angst I guess, for you and me both, and so help me I don’t know why it should be. You are so straightforward & honest about it, though (in this blog forum anyway), while I go along on the M.O. of needing to “maintain” i.e. keep up appearances. Some kind of bullshit male thing probably. If I could be right there and talk to you (I had my chance & passed on it recently, didn’t I?) I would want to hear what you think about women’s idealization of motherhood vs, the realities after the fact… because your not the only woman I know well who expresses the same conflict. Don’t let yourself get too down, you know; these things, moods, life-crises or whatever have their way of rolling over us and passing on, like summer thunderstorms. & I don’t speak only for myself when I say, we all hear you and we love you. p.s so keep writing you know it’s therapeutic…

    • Tis the season for angst? Perhaps so. I kind of wonder how the misconceptions of motherhood being 100% fulfilling/fun/satisfying/instinctual/natural come from. These days I feel like most everyone is pretty honest about it, at least in my world of bloggers. Perhaps I don’t keep company with the “perfect” mom type. As much as I like to pooh-pooh it, I wish I felt like one.

  3. I’m a list person as well. They complete me. I’m not even kidding. A list with all the boxes checked cheers me up every time and I feel like I am “allowed” to relax.

    I hope you feel better soon.

    • Exactly! Getting that list done gives me permission to relax. The key is making the list doable. I’m feeling better today, I think skipping the one cup of coffee I usually drink helps. I mean, it makes sense. But now I’m sleepy and I have three more items on my list to go.

      Thanks for your support.

  4. I have always loved the way you write. You not only express yourself so well, you speak for all the woman out there that are afraid to speak so honestly. As far as depression trying to rear its(?) ugly head it sounds like you are aware of it and are working on ways to prevent it from happening. I wanted to comment on a couple of your comments. One of the things with children is they don’t mind what you call them as long as they know it is a term of endearment.(who gives a rats ass what other people think of your pet names or what you say to your kids, your clearly love them) Lists….Making lists and checking off lists is a very powerful exercise and great for self-esteem regardless of where you are in your life. Just don’t be like Basil and make it so so long that you could not possibly finish everything in one day and end up missing out on the opportunity to see all of your errands checked off. Well I must go pack. I am going to SoCal tomorrow for a week to visit my dad in the hospital and see all of my family. Have a nice week

    • Brevity is key with lists. They can be yet another thing to get overly stressed out about when they are too ambitious. Do you remember Sonya, my best friend from growing up? I talked to her last night and she recommended having only six things on that list a day. I like it.

      I took some time to meditate today before I went off and picked the boys up from school. Meditation sounds so spiritual and enlightened, which I am neither. But simply taking the time to sit in a comfortable chair, close my eyes and check in with my breath felt wonderful. I hated doing it when I first started years ago, it felt like such a chore. I can’t think of anything nicer to do now.

      Have a wonderful trip. You father is in the hospital? Oh no.

Really? No way.

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