Natasha Wang Keeps Getting Mistaken For Me …


… it happens all the time.

Practically twins in more ways than one.

Why is my hair are stupid and poofy?!

I had recent uptick in my Process of Elimination project after a rather lengthy hiatus. You’d want a break, too, after getting rid of crap every day for a year!

There is part of me that resists finishing projects, I’m not sure where it comes from but suffice to say that I’d rather be walking my dog with Tabby, taking pole classes, writing, having coffee with Loony and doing just about anything else over working on my house.

I mean, when you are a Professional Toilet Cleaner, any love that you once had for housecleaning just becomes work. It’s an occupational hazard.

Then Nina told me that Natasha Wang was coming to Boulder and needed to stay at my house, and it was time to kick it up a notch.

I can't pick my favorite picture of Natasha Wang so I had to make a montage.

I can’t pick my favorite picture of Natasha Wang so I had to make a montage.

My office sanctuary, though highly functional, was still harboring a bunch of crap shoved into the armoire. But since Loony hasn’t yet cleaned the closet out (his last holdout) I needed to clear the armoire so Natasha would have a place to unpack her things. This is what came out.

I'm telling you, the leopard does not easily change her spots.

I’m telling you, the leopard does not easily change her spots.

I know, I know.

I got the room ready, went to Elevated Arts: A Rocky Mountain Pole Show at the Oriental on Saturday night and saw Natasha Wang do the final piece, the perfect ending to an evening of outstanding performances (Natasha reprised this piece for Elevated) …

… and then headed back home in the midst of an ice storm (no joke people, there were wrecks everywhere) …

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… to pack until midnight and then wake up at 4am to get on the plane.

The boys are aces at early flights. They are so psyched to go that they become suddenly quite efficient at getting up, dressed and out the door.

Why can’t it be like that on a school morning?

I’m convinced that travel is simply a series of standing in one line after the other.

They love listening to audio books which helps tremendously with the lines.

They love listening to audio books which helps tremendously with the lines.

We arrived Jamaica after a long day of travel, the boys were great the whole way.

Perfect travelers

Perfect travelers

I saw this Facebook post from Natasha.

So beautiful. So talented. So completely unaware of the evil that lurks in her bed.

So beautiful. So talented. So completely unaware of the evil that lurks in her bed.

But I’m always ready to seize the opportunity to trade up.

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Testiclese, in his eagerness to get on the plane wandered into her room to wake her up, thinking she was me.

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It seems that both Testiclese and That Fucking Cat have confused the legendary pole champion for none other than their own mother.

It’s a natural mistake, seeing as how we have so much in common.

Natasha would totally photobomb a sexy photo shoot like this. Because like me, she is very elegant.

Natasha would totally photobomb a sexy photo shoot like this. Because like me, she is very elegant.

AHAHAHAHA.

I’m flattered, to say the least.

She is in love with That Fucking Cat, who apparently is following her around everywhere. Moneypenny sent me this:

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I’ve instructed MoneyPenny to keep all toilet paper away from the cat and to pull on her tail a lot, just to make sure she knows who’s the boss.

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She wants to take her home? She can have her. Then I can finally get the slutbag orange tabby of my dreams. Although I must say that we’ve met a strong candidate here in Jamaica.

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His name is Jewel and he is the resident resort cat. The dining area was open air and, by my best estimation, he lives entirely on lobster and bacon.

It turns out that Natasha (yes, we are on a first-name basis) is a hard-core cat lady. It kind of comes with the territory when you pole. I have heard that Dirdy Birdy has a dog. She never writes about him even though her cats have their own Facebook and Youtube feed.

Anyway, Natasha’s cat, The Chairman, did the unthinkable to her which I don’t think I can share because it might be crossing some kind of confidentiality line. However, it has made her quite tolerant.

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Then Moneypenny messaged me this:

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Did she not get the message about dominating the cat to keep her docile? MUST I DO EVERYTHING?!

Now she’s gotten all uppity and has crapped on my bed. MY BED!

And guess where she did it? Not at the foot of the bed where she sleeps, but at the head of the bed where I sleep. Message received.

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And she peed on it for good measure! 
Well I never.

While Natasha is great and all, she’s no me.

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Shit just falls apart when I’m not home.

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Poor MoneyPenny, having to deal. She’s already a little fragile from all the pressure of Elevated Arts and two competitions back-to-back, but to be thrown over for Natasha Wang (understandable) but then having where she sleeps pooped on?

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So I’m considering alternative pets. Our eyes were opened to all kinds of possibilities in Jamaica.

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Loony got kind of maternal with this parrot

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Scrotus really wants a lizard

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Testiclese looks freakin’ cute with this lovebird.

See Kitty? We have options.

She knows which side her bread is buttered on. While she didn’t leap into my arms the way Blue did, she sucked up to the kids pretty quick to ensure your survival.

She will live another day.

She will live another day.

I’ve been posting a lot since I got back. I’m 1) catching up and 2) my dad is sick so I’m giving him stuff to read while he gets over the flu.

Get well soon, Dad! I’m glad MaryAnn is there to take care of you because you might starve to death otherwise!

6 thoughts on “Natasha Wang Keeps Getting Mistaken For Me …

  1. So let me get this straight, a non-mousing, toilet paper racist, bed-head litter boxing effing Cat… Yep you couldn’t possibly make all that up.. Whew thanks Viv, for a second there I thought my life was bad. ;)

  2. V

    Wow, wow, and WOW! What a post—from Natasha to TFC! You’re post is the first thing that has provided me thoughts of something but my flu misery. Only problem is that I have so many adulatory comments about it for MAC that I can’t share because I have no voice. (And I can’t call you for the same reason.) But MAC is the master of care giving…and I’m the luckiest beneficiary in the world.

    Doin’ better every day.

    LD

  3. Pingback: That F#cking Cat Wins | Vivienne's Process of Elimination

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